pico and the man

COME SEE MY NEW PLAY!

2009-03-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

As -K might say: "iwriteplays actually wrote a play!" Here's the deets:

Come see the world premiere of my new play, "Beneath Her Feet" (co-written by Jason Matthews). It's about living and working and loving in Los Angeles, and it's sure to be a good time.

April 3-5, 10-12, 17-19, 2009. Fridays and Saturdays at 8pm, Sundays at 2pm. 4735 Lankershim Blvd, 91602.

It's a 3-week run, so there are 9 -- count 'em: 9! -- chances to come see the play!

Tickets are only $10! Make your reservations today -- don't miss out! Exclamation points!!!
http://www.abovethecurvetheatre.com/reservations.php

Can't wait to see you there!

HOW TO NOT SPAM YOUR FRIENDS

2009-03-17T17:08:00.000-07:00

I'm the first to admit that I love an internet quiz. Which Sex and the City character are you? (Miranda) Where should you live? (Ireland) What's your true calling? (Hero) Sure, they may be ridiculous, poorly-written, and an all-around waste of time, but I love 'em.

What I don't love is getting spammed every time one of my friends fills out a quiz on Facebook. What I hate even more is having to spam my own friends just to find out which comic book superhero I most identify with.

So, in the spirit of sharing and saving us all from unnecessary application invites, I give you:

HOW NOT TO SPAM YOUR FRIENDS WHEN FILLING OUT A FACEBOOK QUIZ - THE TUTORIAL

When you first click on a link to fill out one of those quizzes, you get a window asking to "allow access" for the application. That's because each and every one of these quizzes is its own application that needs access to your facebook account, mainly so they can spam your friends. First, you gotta grant them access:

Now, BEFORE YOU FILL OUT THE QUIZ, click on "Settings --> Application Settings" in your menu bar:

Now, find the application/quiz you just added in the list, and click on "Edit Settings":

A settings window will pop up. Now you can choose when "stories" get published by this application. A "story" is the item in your news feed that says "Laura took the yadda yadda yadda quiz and she should be a whatever. Take your own quiz now!" If you want the option to publish your results in your news feed, click on "Prompt me..." If you don't want anything published in your wall, click "Never publish..." (I highly recommend "Never publish.."):

Click "Okay" and then you can go back to the quiz and find out which M&Ms flavor you'd be, or whatever.

Finally, after you answer all the poorly-conceived questions, the application prompts you to choose a bunch of friends to "invite" to take the quiz. This is actually spam. All reputable applications let you skip this step, but it's usually in really small type:

Now you can find out what Greek goddess you are or what your leprechaun name would be without spamming your friends or announcing your results to the whole world -- at least without your permission.

It's raining, it's pouring

2008-12-17T14:39:00.000-08:00

It's also snowing in the mountains and desert.

Enjoy the winter weather while it lasts, SoCal!

Burger King is Despicable: A Rant

2008-12-07T19:40:00.000-08:00

I'm hesitant to write this post at all because it just brings more attention to Burger King's detestable "Whopper Virgins" ad campaign, but I am so deeply disturbed by it all that I have to vent.

I first saw a teaser ad for this campaign during SNL last night. The ad asks: "What happens if you take Transylvanian Farmers who have never eaten a burger and ask them to compare Whopper versus Big Mac?"

Photo by spinnerin

This immediately struck me as a strange sort of cultural imperialism. My father was born and raised in Transylvania, and I have visited the Transylvanian countryside twice myself. The people in these rural villages have endured horrible oppression by totalitarian dictatorships and still drive horse-drawn carts to transport their goods, but Burger King only cares to exploit their "virgin" palates so they can outsell McDonalds.

I headed to the Whopper Virgins website to do my research before writing this angry diatribe. Once there, I was greeted by an extended ad for Burger King shot in "documentary style," complete with behind-the-scenes interviews on the making of the commercial. The ad followed the crew as they found people in three "remote locations" who had never tried a burger before in their lives. The three locations turned out to be Romania, Thailand, and Greenland.

They do the taste test, and - SURPRISE! - most of the tasters prefer the Whopper. That's predictable. The thing that really made me cringe was listening to the "filmmakers" marvel at how the villagers didn't know how to eat a burger, while violin-and-synth inspirational music swells in the background. Are we supposed to be sentimental about this?

"Here, have some cholesterol-laden, artery-clogging, processed food to replace your organic, hearty, home-grown diet! Oh, how cute! You don't know how to eat it! Well, you'll learn."

It's like the culinary equivalent of distributing smallpox-infected blankets.

The whole thing was amazingly condescending.

But wait, there's more! It turns out the "Transylvanian villagers" mentioned in the ad aren't from Transylvania at all. They're from Budesti, a town 30 kilometers southeast of Bucharest. That's on the opposite end of Romania from Transylvania. On top of that, the villagers they interviewed appeared to be Roma (a.k.a. Gypsies), an ethnic group that has been consistently marginalized and persecuted throughout history. But don't fret! Now they have American fast food to make them happy!

And while we're talking persecution, let's jump to the Thailand location for the Whopper Virgins shoot. The credits for the ad thank the "Hmong of Baan Mon Kghor and Baan Khun Chang Kian, Thailand." I was born in Fresno, California, where there is a large population of Hmong immigrants and I grew up with many Hmong friends. Hmong people live in Fresno for the same reason they now live in Thailand: they are political refugees from Laos.

Photo by Phil-osophical Bird

But wait, there's more! They're not just your average, everyday refugees from an oppressive communist dictatorship (like my dad was), they've been forced out of Laos thanks to lots of United States meddling. See, in the 1960s, the CIA started recruiting Hmong people to fight a secret war against the Laotian government. When that didn't work out in our favor, the Laotian government began systematically targeting the Hmong. That spurred thousands to flee to Thailand, where many still live in refugee camps.

But all Burger King cares about is whether the Hmong prefer their burger over the other guy's.

"Sorry our government is responsible for the complete displacement of your people. We know all the death and destruction must have been a drag. As a consolation prize, have a burger! (Preferably a Whopper.)"

And Burger King has the gall to pretend they're doing these people a favor. This is a direct quote from the ad:

"They told us yesterday, 'no, we want to experience other things in this world, too. We want to taste other foods, we want to see other people, we want to see other things."

Apparently, eating a Whopper is the best we can offer.

Then they show a Romanian villager giving a guy from the American crew an elaborate, handmade fur jacket. The American guy is amazed at this and says, "these things take a month to make and this guy just handed it to me!" So give it back. It may be seen as rude, but those villagers need that jacket more than you do. He's not going to wear it in Los Angeles, while shopping at the Grove or taking a stroll down the Santa Monica pier. At best, he'll show it off to his other commercial-director friends as a quaint souvenir of his morally-bereft visit to Romania.

The final ethnic group Burger King decided to exploit were the Inuit of Greenland. I don't know a lot about their culture, so I'm not going to pretend. But this guy really made me happy:

"I like seal meat better."

Amen, brother. A-men!

--------------

P.S. Discussion point: what's worse? This Burger King campaign, or what Borat did to that other Romanian village. Debate and discuss.

Gmail is all pretty

2008-11-19T14:46:00.000-08:00

Yeah, this is off-topic, but I thought I'd just let people know that Gmail is now supporting new themes -- yes, your Gmail can be pretty now, without the aid of an additional plug in. Check their blog for details.

I'm currently sporting the "Tree" theme, in case you were wondering.

And if you don't see the "Themes" options in your Gmail settings, it may not be rolled out to you yet. Don't fret - Google says you'll be getting it within a couple days.

Second City and i/O Theatre Make a Video

2008-10-31T10:32:00.000-07:00

ROOTS OF EQUALITY TO RALLY THIS SUNDAY!

2008-10-31T10:15:00.000-07:00

Seen on LAist!!!

I got a chance to interview Teresa Wang of a new grass roots organization called Roots of Equality.

Tell me about Roots of Equality, whose idea was it and how did you guys get started?

Six of us decided we needed to do something for the visibility of No on 8. We were especially frustrated with the influx of "yes on 8" materials, rallies etc. Their visibility made us feel even more like a powerless minority and we had enough. My cousin in-law, Tom DeSimone, and his partner, Jason Wright rallied with some people in Thousand Oaks against prop 8. They then recruited the rest of us to start doing mini-rallies (outside Staples Center Events, at Sunset and Vine, and at the Hollywood Farmer's Market, pretty much wherever we went.) Tom, Jason, Melissa Lopez, Kersu Dalal, Justin Emerick, and I decided to organize Roots of Equality to put together a large rally and give the people for No on 8 one booming voice.

What are the details of Sunday's Rally?

Sunday's rally will take place at Pershing Square on the corner of Olive and 6th at 1:00 pm. The goal of the rally is to motivate participants to go out in the final days before the election and be vocal and visible. One of our biggest themes is for the participants to tell their stories including how prop 8 will affect their lives. We want them to take their stories out to the people in their lives who are undecided or may vote yes in a final attempt to show those voters that this proposition is not political, it's personal.

We're going to start the rally with some good old fashioned honk soliciting. We're also going to have Diane Olson and Robin Tyler speak. Olson and Tyler were the original plaintiffs who started the marriage equality lawsuit that ended up winning equal rights for gays and lesbians at the California Supreme Court last May. We will also have a segment where participants will have a chance to take the mic and tell their stories. We'll follow up with a pledge drive, not for money, but pledges to start a discussion with the yes and undecided voters in their lives. The rally will also include a sign making station where participants can make signs of their own to use during the rally, and bring back to their neighborhood.

We do want to emphasize that if Yes on 8 people or other opponents come in the vicinity of our rally, participants should not engage them and ignore them no matter what they say or do. We are asking for respect and dignity and so even if our opponents do not give treat us with that, we will. Our rally is peaceful.

I've heard a Yes on 8 group will be having a rally at City Hall at the same time. What do you expect from that and do you think Roots of Equality will outnumber them?

We do know they will have a rally but have no idea what types of numbers they are expecting. We have to admit that their presence at our City Hall was a motivator to have our rally on that day in downtown. As residents of Downtown LA, we refuse to sit and watch as Yes on 8 assembles in our backyard to take away our rights. We want to show that Downtown LA is against Prop 8, Los Angeles is against Prop 8, and soon California will show that we are against Prop 8.

There are currently rallies every night in West Hollywood, and to me this seems a bit like preaching to the choir, why did you choose downtown?

I work in Orange County and my parents live in Orange County. I've seen firsthand how visible Yes on 8 is in that area and how much No on 8 needs to be visible in those areas. I saw recently that Fullerton had a huge rally which I thought was awesome. Like I said earlier, Downtown LA is our neighborhood and we want to be visible in our area, visible to the media, and then send people off from the rally motivated to be visible in their neighborhoods and their lives. Also, toward the end of a campaign visibility efforts are as much about getting your voters out as they are trying to convince new voters.

How many people do you expect at this point? And is there anything the group needs, more signs, printing, etc?

This little idea amongst friends has ballooned into something big and potentially very powerful. None of us are practiced activists so we're admittedly a bit inexperienced in this. We're expecting our rally to number somewhere in the hundreds, based on our responses so far and the expectation that many people will bring their friends and others will come via word of mouth.

The first thing we need from people is their attendance. If people want to help out, please contact us at rootsofequality@gmail.com. Right now we need an experienced MC and more notable speakers. Oh, and if anyone has an amazing sound system that would be cool too.

Obama + Scoops = Awesomeness

2008-10-28T14:50:00.000-07:00

Scoops is possibly my favorite place in the whole wide world. Not only do they make the most delicious ice cream on the planet (I dare you to find a better flavor selection), but now they're raising money for the Obama campaign! From now until Halloween, they'll be making election-inspired flavors and donating 20% of the proceeds to the Obama Victory Fund!

Tonight, they're even having an ice cream social to kick it all off.

A disclaimer from contributor K:
In the interest of bipartisanship we were going to post about a similar McCain event, but we can't find one because Republicans don't like to have fun.

THE HORROR MOVIES YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY WANT TO WATCH THIS HALLOWEEN...

2008-10-26T16:04:00.000-07:00

Let me first say that everyone should know “the classics”, the films that have defined, and redefined, the horror genre. You're probably familiar with all of them: Rosemary's Baby, The Exorcist, The Shining, The Omen, Halloween, The Haunting...etc. The list goes on. And yes, they're all remarkable films.

But don't screen these movies at your Halloween party.

They may still be scary, and for the most part, they all still “work”. But honestly, how many times can you rewatch Carrie before it ceases to be frightening and starts to feel more like an exercise in film history? For the most part, these “classics” are all rather slow and careful. It's what elevates them to the great pieces of art that they are. Unfortunately, it makes for rather boring Halloween parties.

When you know all the great set pieces by heart (crucifix masturbation, nanny hanging, dead naked woman in the bathtub...etc.) it often feels like you're waiting around for the next big moment. I've watched Carrie in a large group; after the shower scene it's one long crawl to the bucket of pigs blood.

Because of this, I've compiled a list of less-popular horror films more suitable for group viewing.

1. THE FLY (Cronenberg)

This is my favorite monster movie. Ever. It's a classy film, even after Jeff Goldblum starts vomiting on his food.

2. HELLRAISER/HELLRAISER 2

The franchise became something different, with numerous attempts to turn Pinhead into some kind of slasher villain. Forget about the later installments; Hellraiser is a beautifully dark love story which manages to be horrifying without relying heavily on the flayed Cenobites.

If you're too familiar with the original, or if you have a strong yearning for visions of an M.C. Escher-like Hell, go for the sequel.

3. EVENT HORIZON

The film eventually becomes outright horror, but the mysterious sci-fi premise works to hook you right from the beginning. Bonus points for the Hellraiser-inspired makeup on Sam Neil.

4. THE DESCENT

No one is going to give this film an award for its story, but it remains the most claustrophobic movie I've ever seen. It's absolutely terrifying... and then the monsters show up.

5. FINAL DESTINATION 2

Well, this movie isn't scary at all. You can almost classify it as a comedy. Regardless of the actual genre, this is a guaranteed party-pleaser and possibly the most fun I've ever had watching teens die.

6. 28 DAYS LATER

Night of the living dead wins for general filmic significance, but by now everyone knows that they all should have just hid in the basement. And yeah, it's still fucked up that they shoot the black guy in the head. Now that that's out of the way...

Danny Boyle's zombie flick is an artistic gem while also being out-right terrifying. As a bonus, you can follow-up the movie with endless argument about whether or not the last 20 minutes suck.

7. NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART IV

Yes, I'm actually advocating Nightmare part 4...

Bottom line, if you somehow haven't seen the original A Nightmare on Elm Street then you have no business reading this post anyway. Go buy it. Go watch it. Preferably alone with the lights out.

But while Kruger's over-the-top silliness might have sunk the franchise, it's precisely this carnivalesque behavior that makes this film a party favorite. Bonus points for the especially cheesy 80's feel to this film. Though the 3^rd installment (The Dream Warriors) has some great sequences, nothing can top this film's traumatizing roach motel death sequence. It might be the most horrific sequence in any film. Ever.

8. THE THING (Carpenter)

Both a paranoid-thriller, and an effects-laden sci-fi horror masterpiece. Halloween might remain the iconic Carpenter horror film, but while everyone remembers Jamie-Lee Curtis stuck in the closet, few people remember the sheer brilliance of this movie's defibrillator scene.

9. HOSTEL

This movie might have inadvertently created a new genre of horror known as Torture-Porn, but the film's most frightening scene takes place in a locker room featuring nothing but two guys talking. There's an ample supply of breasts in addition to murders, and while the film plays a little unbalanced, it's guaranteed to generate some cheering once the real violence kicks in.

10. JACOBS LADDER

I almost didn't include this film on the list, mainly because the rather cerebral plot might not play well with a drunk crowd. Still, this film features some of the most frightening imagery I've ever seen in a film. The ending might piss everyone off, but none of them will forget the incredible gurney trip through the asylum-hell. If your there are more wine-drinkers than keg-standers at your party, this is a great choice.

PHOTO ESSAY: LOS ANGELES THROUGH HIS EYES

2008-10-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

Neal's take on my hometown

Those are good burgers Walter.
-The Big Lebowski

In Los Angeles, by the time you're 35,
you're older than most of the buildings
-Delia Ephron

There is more openness in LA to possibilities than on the East Coast of America.
There is a pioneering spirit there that stems from the reason people went out
there in the first place-to find something new.
Esa-Pekka Salonen

Los Angeles is 72 suburbs in search of a city -Dorothy Parker

2008-10-21T23:41:00.000-07:00

Franklin Avenue is at it again with this year's The Great Los Angeles Walk. This years route will be Santa Monica Blvd from start to finish including some Sunset Blvd. & Cesar Chavez which goes through 4 cities. That's 18 miles folks.

Last year it was Pico Blvd. so we had no choice. This year I actually want to do it. I'm not very bright.

Nov. 22 - 9am

PICO IS OFF HIATUS - NEWS ROUND UP

2008-10-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

Photo by Neal

-Christine Zeimba for LAist could not be more accurate if she tried. Check out How to Ruin a Once Promising TV Series where she breaks down why Heroes is sucking it up lately. Seriously writers, I did not honk in solidarity at the picket line on Pico so that you guys could go back and write crap. Pull it together.

- I love that Yahoo Movies has posted the 10 Most Biographically Incorrect Movies. I also love that #1 is A Beautiful Mind. I'm so tired of hearing that people actually liked this movie. It gives me nothing but pleasure to share the following items about Nash:

"was arrested in a Santa Monica men's room on "moral charges," and made numerous un-P.C. remarks over the years about various minority groups. More flagrantly, the hallucinations Nash suffered in real life were entirely auditory, not visual. And Nash's big, weepy Nobel Prize acceptance speech at the end? He never gave one. "

And that my friends is what vindication tastes like.

- I always knew The Bee Gees had magical powers.

-Also look what iwriteplays made she really is very crafty.

Opa! Get your Greek on!

2008-09-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

"Oia - Santorini" by otrocalpe

Can't make it to Santorini this weekend? Well, you're in luck, 'cause the nice folks over at Saint Sophia Cathedral are bringing Greece to L.A. for the weekend! The 10th annual L.A. Greek Festival is happening Friday through Sunday, with lots of great food, drink, and dancing. And if celeb-spotting is your thing, you may run into celebrity hosts Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks.

Look for me when you get there! I'll be the one eating a massive plate of moussaka.

MY KIND OF DINNER PARTY

2008-07-29T00:05:00.000-07:00

Here at Pico we try to avoid commenting on political controversy, mostly because A) we’re lazy B) it’s in our mission statement and C) it’s over by the time we get around to noticing such controversy exists. So we respectfully decline to comment on the cover of a particular literary magazine that's been buried under a pile of our mail for about 2 weeks. Fist-thumping Muslims aside, we were thrilled to discover (albeit a bit belatedly and from our favorite porcelain reading chair) that there are some real gems to be discovered within the pages of that very same issue.

To Wit: Best. Dinner Party Idea. Ever.

We especially like #4 and #7, and plan to try one (or both) in the very near future. As pretty much everyone who reads us ends up at our house for dinner sooner or later, accept this as your warning that dog biscuits may be on the menu in the very near future.

#14 is of course, our favorite. Does anyone out there remember the “Syphilis is back” poster ads that graced bus stops along La Brea Avenue last year? Those much-needed PSAs are much missed in our hood. Apropos of well, nothing, and for lack of a better segue from food-borne illnesses to STDs, we proudly present dessert.

Happy Tuesday, y'all.

PS: Just in case you've yet to sort through the mail or read all of mid-July's political commentary, here's that pesky cover. Don't say we never gave you anything.

PPS: special thanks to photogenius K for the lead shot. Yep, it's dog food.

BAD NEWS BEARS FOR BOOK REVIEWS

2008-07-22T14:34:00.000-07:00

-The LA Times stand alone book review booklet thingy is no more (Fishbowl LA)

-Per Los Angeles magazine the Central Library is one of the 64 Greatest Things About LA. (LAMAG.com)

-Did you know Skylight Books has book groups? I did not. (map)

-New York Times Book Section. You're going to need this.

THINGS TO DO THIS SATURDAY

2008-07-18T13:13:00.000-07:00

-GLOW
Santa Monica Pier (map)
Saturday from dusk till dawn

Everyone keeps blathering on about this one. It's an art exhibit/celebration inspired by the Nuit Blanche in Paris. A sample exhibit by VJ Culture (Grant Davis) is "Goldie", a single goldfish kicking it in his bowl while his image is projected onto windows facing Ocean Ave. As an FYI I see no liquor sponsors for the event, but it might be good to walk through this on the way to the bars.

-CINESPIA
Hollywood Forever Cemetery Screenings, (map)
Saturday, gates open at 7:30pm

This weekends showing is A Clockwork Orange. Parking is $5 and tix are $10. Let's face it this movie should be shown in a cemetery, it's fitting.

-CLUB SPACELAND in Silverlake
Saturday 9:00pm

The Long Winters are playing and word on the street is they are good. Tix are $15

Photo: Santa Monica as seen from The Penthouse at The Huntley

THURSDAY TIMELAPSE

2008-07-17T12:55:00.000-07:00

My pal Morgan the surfing/photog savant at his finest.

His website
His flickr
His dogs

INSPIRATION FROM SHANGHAI

2008-07-15T15:03:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday afternoon and the boss is away. After reading my favorite new blog (www.ispyshanghai.com - well not new but new to me) I decided to tape lips to my shoes to pass the time. It worked. I might add some eyes tomorrow to go with the lips.

The post that started it is here.

I highly recommend James's Shoe Tuesday posts. Archive that shit.

EAT SWEETS, END HUNGER

2008-06-26T15:14:00.001-07:00

Wise Pico and the Man readers already know that Scoops is the best ice cream shop in the world. And now, we have yet another reason to love Scoops: they're hosting a charity bake sale this Saturday.

The folks at no cookie left behind not only have a hilariously awesome name but are also nice, charitable people. They're raising money for the Great American Bake Sale, organized by Share Our Strength, to help end hunger in America.

So head over to Scoops on Saturday, June 28, between noon and 4pm to help end hunger for more than 12.6 million children nationwide!

BASIX - WEST HOLLYWOOD

2008-06-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

Living in Weho has it's advantages and disadvantages. Namely, the god damned parking enforcement which counts as like 20 disadvantages. However, one big one on the plus side is Basix Cafe at the corner of Santa Monica Blvd. & Kings Road. We've been going there at least a few times a month for two years.

Their caramel apple pancakes are key.

Parfait goodness . . .

If you're lucky enough, you'll get James as your waiter . . . he kicks ass

Dogs can sit on the patio or the three sidewalk tables (no alcohol on sidewalk)

I'd also recommend:
Brioche French Toast
Breakfast Burrito
Chilaquiles

And I'd challenge you to find a spicier Bloody Mary.

LEONARD: A LETTER FROM TORONTO

2008-06-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

(This post was written by iwriteplays' father, who saw Leonard Cohen's first concert in 14 years at the Sony Center for the Performing Arts in Toronto, Canada, on June 6, 2008.)

Photo by Trevor Haldenby

As the lights go down, one can barely discern the outline of the instruments against the blue background. There is a hush. Like shadows, band members file in and take up their positions on the stage. "The opening band, no doubt," I think. One can barely see the fedora-covered heads of the musicians in the darkness. Suddenly the stage lights come on. There, hat in hand, with a reverential bow and a humble smile, stands our man, Leonard Cohen.

"But I swear by this song
And by all that I have done wrong
I will make it all up to thee."
–"Bird on a Wire"

The effect is exhilarating. "Fourteen years ago I was a 60 year old young kid with a crazy dream," he says. That is the last time that he had toured. Most of his fans—no, the word "follower" is better—most of his followers never thought that they would see him in person again. And here he stands, ready to sing his poems to us.

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in "
–"Anthem"

I am still a youngster of 60. I am excited. Leonard was a hero of my generation. To my surprise, there are many people in their 30s and even 20s in the audience. A 25-ish girl next to me traveled from Ohio to see Leonard. Her friend came from Western Canada. They seem to know his songs better than I do. "That is the fifth song on his latest album,"she says. "Yes, we find him very very sexy, can't you see why?" says her friend. They are serious, without a hint of sarcasm. Wow!

And then he suddenly starts singing. His voice is deeper, calmer, more resonant than I ever remember. It is a near-religious experience.

The band is incredible—nine extraordinary musicians. The backup singers, the Webb sisters and long time friend and collaborator Sharon Robinson, are mesmerizing. The harmonics, the beat, the rhythm, the improvisations and solos of the musicians are first rate. They all complement each other perfectly. Leonard takes pains to make each musician shine and introduces them repeatedly by name. He takes his hat off and bows as they play.

"You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah"
–"Hallelujah"

"Tower of Song" is one of Leonard's best-known songs. He interprets it exquisitely and hearing it for the hundredth time does not detract from the experience. It ends with "do dam dam dah dah do dam dah" repeated in a slow decrescendo by the backup ladies. Leonard Cohen, ordained Buddhist monk, poet, musician, philosopher, hushes the audience and says something like this: "for a long time I have been searching for the secret to life's mysteries. This is what it is." He points at the ladies and moves along with the ethereal music, not quite daring to join in.

"Ah but a man never got a woman back
Not by begging on his knees..."
–"I'm your man"

He was on stage for about two and one half hours. Eight songs before the intermission, nine after, plus seven songs during three encore sessions—very generous. He mostly sang his known, popular songs—that is what was expected of him. The surprise was that his performance was even better than his recorded music. He carries the tune well, follows the script, and is strong and convincing. I never felt that I was looking at an "over the hill" aging star. He is completely "there," his diction is clear, and I could understand every word. The old verses gained new meanings. It was just beautiful.

When he finally waived goodbye I wasn't sad. He wasn't gone. He looks good. He is doing what he does best. He is making people think and feel, feel and think. He will keep talking to us from his window high up in the Tower of Song.

Leonard, thank you for giving us the gift of your golden voice.

Good luck to you on your tour!

For more information on Leonard Cohen:
http://www.leonardcohenfiles.com/indez.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Cohen

iPHONE TOUR OF THE SIMPSONS RIDE

2008-05-30T16:26:00.000-07:00

Last week, I celebrated my birthday by going on the brand-new The Simpsons-themed ride at Universal Studios, Hollywood. I had my iPhone with me, so I took a few pictures. I'm a bit distracted by this thing my boss likes to call "work," so this is just going to be a quick-and-dirty review—don't expect Shakespeare.

Here's the entrance to the ride. Being a huge The Simpsons nerd, I found the whole environment a bit too good to be true.

While you wait in line, they play clips from the show (most notably, from the episode "Itchy & Scratchy Land") mixed in with new cartoons designed for the ride. One of the new bits features Cletus the slack-jawed yokel and his posse of children explaining how they cut costs at amusement parks by sneaking in food molded to look like "extra youngin's." (It's funnier in person.)

Once you get through the maze and actually get inside the building, the waiting areas are designed to be a "midway" featuring Patty, Selma, Apu, Willy, and (my personal favorite) Hans Moleman.

They have advertisements for Krustyland rides and attractions rotating on screens throughout the midway. My favorite was for "The Hall of Secretaries of the Interior" (clearly a spoof on the "Hall of Presidents" at Disney World), which advertised a waiting time of "0 minutes!"

After the midway, you get ushered eight at a time to a holding room where Itchy & Scratchy explain the safety rules of the ride (wherein Scratchy gets multiple limbs severed) and you learn the premise of the ride... no spoilers here, but it involves Sideshow Bob.

Park rules mandated that I couldn't take any pictures during the ride itself (not that I'd want to risk dropping my precious iPhone during the ride), but I will say that it's pretty awesome. It's one of those "simulated motion" rides where you're in a car that moves, while the action is projected onto an 80-foot screen in front of you. The ride was only mildly nauseating, and if you do start feeling ill you can always close your eyes. It's also a multisensory experience: depending on what's going on in the ride, you get sprinkled with water and get exposed to different scents. The writers for the ride did a good job making it funny (and full of Simpsons in-jokes), which should make it worth riding more than once.

At the end of the ride, you can even get autographs with the Simpson family!

SOMETMES THE CALIFORNIA SUPREME COURT GETS SHIT RIGHT

2008-05-16T00:43:00.001-07:00

Today is one of those days. You're living under a rock if you didn't hear that the California Supreme Court overturned the states gay marriage ban.

"The ruling added that all California couples had a "basic civil right" to marry "without regard to their sexual orientation.""

Well no shit. I'm still astounded this has taken so damn long. This is California for christ's sake, I'm pretty sure you can marry your dog here. Hopefully my fair city will be celebrating in proper fashion this weekend. I'm expecting nothing less.

(Note: the photo above is of the Federal Appeals Court in New Orleans because let's face who really wants to go to Sacramento. I know I don't.)

WHY GOOGLE MAPS RULES MY WORLD

2008-05-07T17:26:00.000-07:00

Let's say you get into a heated debate about where to find the best ice cream in Los Angeles. You think Scoops is the most delicious ice cream in not just L.A., but the whole wide world. Your misinformed friend, however, thinks Diddy Riese is superior because you can get an ice cream sandwich for a buck-fifty. As your argument over the relative merits of brown bread ice cream versus two freshly-baked cookies becomes more heated, you decide the only way to resolve this debate is to jump in the car and sample both varieties for yourself.

Right now, at 5:15pm on a Wednesday, this is what your trip would look like:

Not so pretty. The 405 and the 110 will make you want to cry, and then you'll be in a bad mood for ice cream.

Now this is why Google Maps is awesome for an Angeleno. They've added a function where you can check average traffic conditions for any day of the week, between the hours of 5 AM and 9 PM. This way you can find an optimal time to go on your ice cream adventure:

I'd choose Tuesday at lunchtime, wouldn't you?

This new function is perfectly designed for the traffic-addled residents of Los Angeles. Bravo, Google. Bravo.

P.S. The aforementioned ice cream debate is clearly fictional, as everyone knows that Scoops has the best ice cream on the planet.

LA TIMES BOOK FESTIVAL - APRIL 26&27

2008-04-18T00:46:00.000-07:00

Half of the Pico crew is heading to New Orleans for Jazzfest, as such another year's LA Times Festival of Books is going to pass me by. Dammit! Some panels I wouldn't miss if I were in town:

SATURDAY

11:30 AM
Fiction: Grace Under Pressure
Moderator Ms. Barbara Isenberg
Mr. Bruce Bauman
Ms. Gina Nahai (I said this last year but it bears repeating, she's a lovely writer and personal favorite.)

12:30 PM
Gore Vidal in Conversation with Jane Smiley (his books are too long, and something tells me he's a blowhard, but it might be interesting, probably not though)

10:30 AM
Fiction: Urban Renewal
Moderator Mr. Scott Timberg
Mr. Charles Bock
Ms. Janet Fitch (She's good, very, very good)

4:30 PM
Ray Bradbury with an Introduction from Sid Stebel

SUNDAY
10:30 AM (@Royce Hall)
The Lyrical Line: Conversation & Music with Aimee Mann & Joe Henry
Interviewer Mr. Steve Almond
Mr. Joe Henry
Ms. Aimee Mann (need I say more)

12:00 PM
Surf Culture: Shooting the Tube
Moderator Mr. Antoine Wilson
Mr. Steve Hawk (former Editor of Surfer)
Mr. Steven Kotler
Mr. Kem Nunn (co-produced John From Cincinnati)
Mr. David Rensin

12:35 PM
Cheech Marin (I hear great things about this book, frankly it's Cheech, he can just fold his socks and I'll probably find it funny)
Author, "Cheech the School Bus Driver"

Event Info:
Looks like tickets are $0.75 this year and available at ticketmaster starting April 20.

PICO NEWS ROUND UP - PLACES YOU NEED TO BE

2008-04-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

Shecky's Bitches! - As always I'll be attending this event with my ladies in tow, and most likely bitching about it the next day. DENIM!! Who do I have to kill to get a damn denim dealer at this event.

NFL in City of Industry? - The City of Industry is only good for seedy strip joints, if they are going to give us a stadium (which they are not) can't they put it in . . . I don't know. . . LOS ANGELES!!! (Laist.com)

I was totally going to tell everyone about the LA Cupcake Challenge but it's sold out on Goldstar.

BORROWERS UNITE!

2008-04-16T23:19:00.000-07:00

Photo by Seth Gaines

Have you heard the shocking news, fellow Angelenos? The L.A. Public Library is strapped for cash. No, that's not the shocking part. The bombshell is that LAPL is planning to charge $1 for all inter-branch loans starting July 1st.

One dollar isn't all that much money, you say. Why shouldn't you pay for such a great service, you ask? The truth is that one dollar is prohibitively expensive for many Angelenos, especially school children and their families. Save The LA Public Library, the grass-roots group dedicated to stopping this fee from being introduced, puts it best:

Imagine children having to ask their parents' permission to order books they desperately want to read, and being told they can't request them, because gas prices are higher this week, or the rent has gone up, or mom has been laid off. Imagine a gifted student at a poorly performing high school unable to get books from the Advanced Placement reading list they need to get themselves caught up with their peers in private prep schools. Imagine elderly people having to give up a lifetime habit of reading because they've exhausted the selection of large print books in their local branch. All of these sad imaginings could become reality on July 1st, unless you speak up now and help Save LAPL.

Photo by library mistress

Are you crying yet? The part about the elderly people not being able to read kills me. I could be that elderly person one day, and I need books to survive. I really do. LAPL, please don't take away my books!

So, what can you do to stop this from happening? Go to savelapl.org to find out how to add your voice to the uproar!

(News via Chicken Corner.)

HOW TO SAVE THE PLANET, FEEL MORALLY SUPERIOR, AND GET SOME EXTRA READING DONE

2008-04-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

Photo by Thomas Hawk.

This morning I did something completely ordinary and mundane that somehow made me feel special and unique: I took public transportation to work.

Now, in most major urban centers, taking the bus or train to work is common practice. Los Angeles is not like most major cities. Most people have their own cars, so public transportation is generally relegated to the license-less. There's even a stigma associated with riding the bus. When I mentioned to some co-workers that I was considering taking the bus and subway to work, the most common response was "why in the world would you want to do that?"

REASON #1 - MONEY: As I filled up my gas tank for $3.70/gallon yesterday, I was reminded just how expensive it is to drive these days. The average price of regular gas in L.A. today is $3.78. That's up from $3.30 a year ago, and 17 cents more than just a month ago. My commute is 17.2 miles round trip, and even though my little Honda Civic gets anywhere from 28-35 miles/gallon, my gas costs per day are at least $2.25. Add in car maintenance and insurance, and the driving cost per day is anywhere from $6.15 to $14.75 (see AAA's 2008 driving costs). An unlimited day pass for the L.A. Metro is $5. A monthly pass is $62. You do the math.

Photo by vgm8383.

REASON #2 - CONVENIENCE: My bus stop is less than a half-block from my apartment.The Universal City Metro stop (red line) is actually closer to my office than the garage I'm required to park in. How's that for irony? Taking the Metro actually requires less walking than driving myself. It only took 25 minutes to get from point to point, which is slightly longer than my morning commute usually takes, but significantly less than the hour or more I spend driving myself home.

REASON #3 - FEELING SUPERIOR: Wanna get in good with Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio? Going green is all the rage these days, haven't you heard? While I'm still holding out to spot Leo at the Vermont and Santa Monica Metro station, it's true that our little planet needs some TLC, and every car we get off the road helps. Plus, you can feel good about helping fund a public works project that makes Los Angeles a better place to live.

REASON #4 - LOOKING AT SOMETHING OTHER THAN THE ROAD In my opinion, this is the best reason to ride the Metro instead of driving. On the bus and train, I can use my eyes to look at anything I please, whether it be a book, a video on my iPhone, or that hot guy across the way. When I drive my car, this is all I see:

Photo by The Infamous Gdub.

The most conspicuous thing about taking the Metro today was how empty it was. My bus had about 10 people on it. The train's seats were mostly full, but it was by no means crowded. And this was rush hour. The whole experience was very easy, quick, convenient, and stress-free.

Go Metro!

Four Bucks in a Cup

2008-04-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

This morning I paid more for a cup of coffee than for a gallon of Los Angeles priced gas. And it wasn't some extra shot, chocolate syrup, grande concoction that justified its price through its "special" "additions." What I bought today was a four dollar cup of drip coffee. Plain, regular coffee.

For four dollars.

And I'll admit that it was really good coffee. Delicious and almost sweet. Marketing-friendly words like 'full-bodied' and 'smooth' were accurate, truthful descriptions of this coffee. It was, just as iwriteplays predicted it would be, the best drip coffee I've ever had.

But it still cost four dollars. And coffee, to me, is coffee. Yes, it is elixir of life. Yes, it is half the reason I get out of bed in the morning (carbs being the other half). But if I'm going to spent four bucks on a beverage, I expect there to be alcohol in it.

MR. JONES: THE BEAVER THAT GOT AROUND

2008-03-28T15:55:00.001-07:00

A EULOGY IN TWO PARTS

Some of you may have had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Jones, probably on the road somewhere, traveling between cities, posing by landmarks. Born in November at the Portland Market, he became a traveling companion for iwriteplays and me. This beaver got around. He hit up the Northwest, crossing borders between Oregon and Washington, then flying back to California. More recently, Mr. Jones with his big brown eyes and sassy smile joined us for a cross country drive, making his way through fifteen new states. His upbeat personality and comforting presence got us through long days of driving, and lonely nights in cheap motels. In West Texas, he shared a milkshake with iwriteplays, and he pointed out some scenic landscapes for photos as we drove through the desert.

Mr. Jones was a benevolent beaver, who made friends wherever he went. But while iwriteplays and I considered him a necessary part of every trip from the time we adopted him, he decided once he reached the East coast, it was time to strike out on his own. So as we rushed to catch a train from Stamford, CT into NYC, he rolled himself out of the car, and hid nearby until we were gone. From that point on, I can only hypothesize his moves, but I assume he made his way to the woods, sought out some well maintained beavers, and began a whole new adventure for himself. I fully expect to see a spike in the New England beaver population next season.

Goodbye, Mr. Jones. You were a great companion, but I respect your need for more space and your fear of spending further months stuck in one place until your friends decide travel again. Good luck in your new adventures. We wish you the best.

-Panda

Panda is being a bit too generous in her description of our last night with Mr. Jones. I am wracked with guilt, and I have a confession to make. I killed Mr. Jones.

It wasn't intentional. He was sitting on my lap, and we were so late for the train! He must have slipped out of the car when I rushed to grab my bag and run to the platform. I didn't mean to leave him. I loved the little guy, after all. It was accidental beaverslaughter, or beavercide in the third degree, at best.

In an attempt to atone for my crime, I have compiled a little photo essay from his travels. (Imagine Sarah MacLachlan's "I Will Remember You" playing in the background.) One thing we can all agree on: this beaver got around!

Mr Jones in West Texas, which is certainly no country for old beavers.

Drinking milkshakes in West Texas.

On top of the Space Needle in Seattle, Mt. Rainer in the background.

Having a latte at the original Starbucks.

Taking over Multnomah Falls in Oregon.

Driving through the bayou.

Mr. Jones and me, look into the future...

Rest in peace, little guy.

LAMB CAKE UPDATE: BEING BAD HAS NEVER TASTED SO GOOD

2008-03-24T00:00:00.001-07:00

As K promised earlier (see yesterday's post) it was a mess. A bloody red mess, and wow, it was delicious! The photos below are not for the faint of heart.

Before we get to the gory details, I highly recommend you try this at home. I want an entire flock of lamb cakes next year--I say we line the streets with them. Maybe I'm still high on adrenaline from baking all night and the thrill of the final sacrifice, but if you care to join me, you'll need your own lamb mold. I also love this red velvet cake recipe (and the corresponding frosting recipe), plus it yields enough for a lamb AND approximately 18 cupcakes.

A new Easter tradition has begun in the N household...and now, the afore-mentioned photos of the slaughter. You've been warned.

Nota Bene: No actual lambs were harmed in this process. Cake, however, was devoured by all. And yes, that IS green coconut.

HAPPY EASTER FROM THE PICO CREW

2008-03-22T23:35:00.000-07:00

In honor of The J Man's resurrection N has decided to bake a red velvet lamb cake. It's ironic and why she's awesome. So basically, tomorrow afternoon her big huge sorta Catholic family is gonna be cutting into the lamb, and it will be a big red mess and no doubt delicious.

Also we would like to remind you that Cadbury Monday immediately follows Easter Sunday. That is the blessed day when Cadbury Eggs are half off and plentiful.

EBONY: PICO'S ADOPTABLE DOG OF THE WEEK

2008-03-19T14:41:00.000-07:00

This little German Sheperd mix is adorable. She's about 4 months old and was rescued from the South LA shelter. Good with cats, dogs, kids and all that jazz. Ebony was rescued by the awesome folks at The Paw'd Squad.

And . . . because I know the song is in your head now, a little Stevie Wonder/Paul McCartney action. I had not realized until today just how bad this song really is.

VENICE: FRENCH MARKET CAFE

2008-03-16T00:44:00.000-07:00

Jane has been prattling on about French Market Cafe (Venice) practically since I met her two years ago. I never payed too much attention as I always equated it with Mimi's Cafe, and if you've been to one of those you've been to them all.

I'm an idiot. Jane finally dragged me on Saturday for a late lunch. Upon entering this quaint establishment I immediately took to the little market area. I ordered a chicken panini, Jane got a ham and brie sandwich (served on a fresh baked baguette) and we took a seat in the adjacent dining room. It took about 2 seconds for me to realize every person in there was speaking French (including the one year old beside us saying his first words). This was a nice touch, if you're going to serve French food then bring it and go ahead and include nearly the same ambiance one would get in Paris.

"Run by a French couple, the cafe also includes a petite Market filled with imports from the homeland: Wines, bitter chocolat, soaps, spices, French newspapers and magazines are always available for purchase. Also with free parking!"

After lunch we grabbed a few coffees and if the wind had not been insane we would have enjoyed them on the patio.

Things to try:
quiche paninis crepes full menu & daily specials here
French Market Cafe (map)
2321 Abbot Kinney Blvd., Venice

Hours:
Mon. - Fri. 7am to 5pm Sat. & Sun. 8am to 5pm

TOP GEAR: THE BRITS HAVE BEEN HOLDING OUT ON US . . . AGAIN!

2008-03-15T22:47:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Dahoud left the BBC America channel on upon leaving the house (was watching Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares no doubt) . I rolled out of bed about 11am and went straight for the couch and caught the beginning of what I later discerned is the greatest show on television: Top Gear. As described on the BBC America website:

Top Gear takes extraordinary and ordinary cars to the limit and beyond to find out if they’re as good as their manufacturers claim. Full of extreme stunts, challenges, and weekly features, Top Gear is exciting, inclusive, and passionate – there are no boring stats and impenetrable conversations about camshafts and tire pressures. But it is the sharp wit of Jeremy, Richard, and James that make it more than just a motor show.

Seriously folks, you need to be watching this show. I promise even if you don’t have a particular interest in cars you will enjoy this show.

Full Schedule here

New episodes are on Mondays at 8pm.

GARY GYGAX SAVED YOUR LIFE

2008-03-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

by Mr. N.

It’s true even for all you “cool” people who have no idea who Gary Gygax is, he saved your lives. You “cool” folks are probably asking: How did some asshole who I’ve never heard of saved my life? He was the co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons, now your next question is how the fuck did Dungeons and Dragons save my life? That shits for dorks and I never played it. Well, when you “cool” kids were going “outside” and playing “sports’ or going to “parties” and getting “laid” us social outcasts were sitting in our rumpus rooms around a table playing D &D.

You are probably still wondering how this pertains to your life being saved. D & D gave us sexually and socially frustrated misfits some sort of outlet for our rage rather than opening up on you assholes with a high powered, magazine fed, semiautomatic rifle at the Sadie Hawkins dance. It’s simple as that; if we weren't casting magic missiles at the Goblin Lord we would have been casting Molotov cocktail into the gym class. The more time we spent our time planning the perfect adventure or re writing our character sheets was less time for us to be planning the best sniper location to shoot into the quad.

I find a corollary between the fall in popularity of D & D and the rise of school shootings. So show some god damn respect, perhaps a national holiday. You will be missed Mr. Gygax, may all your rolls be natural 20’s, goodnight sweet prince.

DOES THIS WOMAN LOOK PREGNANT TO YOU?

2008-03-12T00:43:00.000-07:00

While the general lack of etiquette and manners on the part of all humans continues to astound our gentle sensibilities, there is nothing more appalling to us than the "baby bump" phenomenon that seems to have afflicted all celebrity news outlets of late, from print to cyberspace. It's become so widespread that it appears to be spreading to non-celebrities, perhaps the result of general ignorance on behalf of the public at large and general affinity for chocolate, wine, and other fine foodstuffs on behalf of the victim.

For the purposes of blogging anonymously, let's just say that we have a friend in the business, by which we mean not hollywood, but another "business" that requires much wining and dining and not nearly as much dieting. Well, no dieting at all, to be exact. The occupational hazard of said business just happens to be the equivalent of the freshman 15...only it doesn't exactly go away when you're working 60+ hours a week and traveling to exotic locations where people bend over backwards to feed you 7-course dinners.

Said friend has been asked multiple times in the last six weeks if she is expecting. "Expecting to eat?" she replies, coyly trying to suck it in for all she's worth. The embarrassed interrogator usually changes the subject at that point, to the weather or some other asinine topic that has nothing to do with reproduction, but the damage has been done. For the record, said friend has now abandoned all blousy shirts in her wardrobe, no longer leaves the house without her trusty Spanx on, and has made considerable efforts in proper posture and ab positioning techniques, but to no avail. Tonight someone asked her, YET AGAIN, if this is her first baby.

WHY DO PEOPLE THINK IT'S OKAY TO ASK A WOMAN, ANY WOMAN, IF SHE IS PREGNANT/EXPECTING/ FOR HER DUE DATE?

NOTA BENE: UNLESS YOU SEE A CHILD CROWNING FROM BETWEEN HER LEGS, ASSUME SHE'S GOT FUPA ISSUES AND MOVE ON.

And that, people, is your friendly public service announcement for the day.

Apparently Gary Gygax is dead . . . .

2008-03-04T16:35:00.000-08:00

Mr. N: Gary Gygax died :(

K: who?

Mr. N: creator of dungeons and dragons

K: dude, you are so lucky you're already married and will have guaranteed ass for life

Mr. N: :(

K: why do you even know his name?

Mr. N: I am seriously bummed
well when you read his books for like 15 years.....

K: I read The Babysitter's Club series for like 8 years and I don't even remember the author

Mr. N: yeah but that shit’s lame

K: I'm bitting my tongue right now

Mr. N: come on you know dnd is way cooler than babysiters club

K: I don't know dude, there was this one book where Mary-Anne found a ghost in the attic and . . . compelling!

Mr. N: did they ever get lezbo with each other?

K: sadly no, if they had I would still be reading them

Mr. N: i might be too, is that creepy?

K: nah

Mr. N: I am seriously thinking about taking a half day to pull myself together

K: wait, for reals? Wow, you really are shaken up

Mr. N: dude this really makes me sad

K: maybe you should go be with robbie right now

Mr. N: I should call him... (he was only 69 years old homie)

K: yeah, he might want to hear it from you

Mr. N: he prolly doesn’t even know yet

K: probably not

Mr. N: its like i heard 10 million nerds cry out all at once, then vanish...

24 HOUR THEATRE FESTIVAL - SAT. & SUN.

2008-02-29T00:28:00.000-08:00

This weekend iwriteplays is actually writing a play. The 24 Hour Play Festival debuts this Saturday night at 8pm and again on Sunday at 3pm. On Friday evening 6 playwrights will be given a certain phrase with which to write a short one-act play. The actors begin rehearsal on Saturday morning and the show goes on that very evening. Last year our girl was voted "Best Writer" by the audience, a title she intends to keep. So get out there and support the arts people!

Tickets benefit The Jamie-Lynn Sigler Foundation (yes that's Willow Soprano)
Suggested Donation: $5 big ones

The Sherry Theatre
11052 Magnolia Blvd. (between Lankershim and Vineland)
North Hollywood (map)

Congrats, Cohens!

2008-02-25T22:42:00.001-08:00

In honor of No Country for Old Men and all its shiny new Oscar statuettes:

(At the corner of Rampart and Temple in Los Angeles.)

WEEKEND GETAWAY - JOSHUA TREE (PHOTO ESSAY)

2008-02-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

The Pico crew took to the desert this weekend for some much needed R&R.

Joshua Tree National Park is about 2 hours outside of LA. Park admission is $15 or $30 for a year long national park pass.

Days are typically clear with less than 25 precent humidity. Temperatures are most comfortable in the spring and fall, with an average high/low of 85 and 50°F (29 and 10°C) respectively. Official website

We hiked Ryan Mtn. 3 miles round trip. Beautiful Views. more hikes here

There are countless places to explore.

The 29 Palms Inn is a excellent place to stay. Quaint bungalows and cabins.

You know you want to.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT SIGNAGE

2008-02-20T10:34:00.000-08:00

Apparently they don't bother with being politically correct in the desert:

I'm sure they do good work, but someone ought to forward them the memo that people don't like being called "crippled" anymore.

And a preemptory response to any criticism for stopping and taking this picture: a) it was all Mr. N's fault, and b) if the sign said "foundation for the developmentally disabled" we wouldn't have stopped.

JAPANESE PSA MEETS EXERCISE VIDEO

2008-02-15T18:09:00.000-08:00

Apparently in Japan, they teach the ladies how to deal with potential muggings in America via exercise! Ingenious.

JOHNNY CASH SUNDAYS: DEREK AND THE DOMINOES

2008-02-11T01:05:00.000-08:00

This one is a double feature and the second song kicks ass. Eric Clapton pre MTV Unplugged was really, really good. Plus there is even some USA/UK international relations going on .

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE DOUCHE THAT TURNED INTO THE RITE AID ON FAIRFAX THIS MORNING

2008-02-11T00:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Douchebag,

There is a handy feature installed in cars called . . . A TURN SIGNAL. I know, I know I should be equipped with a jack off mind reading device so that I know you intend to turn right, but that hasn't been invented yet. According to my research Buick introduced the first turn signal around 1940.

Howstuffworks.com shows these things are pretty simple:

See. Neat right? I realize that means you'd have to put down your phone and continue that text you were composing later, but let's face it, whatever you were saying wasn't that interesting anyway.

OUT AND ABOUT

2008-02-10T23:11:00.000-08:00

OR, "WHY I LOVE LOS ANGELES THIS WEEKEND"

K and I had hoped to attend a party in honor of the "Y: The Last Man" comic books at Meltdown Comics on Friday evening, but realized our chances of getting in were close to nil. We were a bit disappointed because, in addition to the authors Brian Vaughn and Pia Guerra being in attendance, the keynote speaker was Joss Whedon, of Buffy and Angel fame. I love Joss Whedon. Really. I do. Even more than Lukas Haas. But we had no tickets and couldn't wait in line all day for a chance "standing room only" ticket (damn those jobs!), so we decided to throw in the towel and just meet up for drinks later on.

My brother, Jeff arrived in town on Friday night, and I decided to show him the town. We went to Elf Cafe in my lovely neighborhood, Echo Park, and had the most fabulous vegetarian meal you can imagine. Everything was delicious, especially the saffron pudding with orange-blossom syrup and pistachios:

We then went to meet up with K, Mr. N, and some other folks at Coach & Horses in Hollywood. Jeff and I got in with no problems, but about five minutes after we arrived, I got a call from K saying she was stuck outside because there was a line to get in. K and Mr. N had never seen a line at C&H, and they are regulars, so this was a very strange ocurrence. I poked my head outside to pow-wow with them, and K pointed out that Brian Vaughn was standing about five feet from us. Well, that's weird, we think. He must have come here after the party. I headed back inside, and soon got a text from K that read:

Dude! Joss Whedon is out here!

Then, as if on cue, Brian Vaughn and Joss Whedon enter the bar. I was giddy. My brother found this amusing. Not much later, K and Mr. N were allowed in, and we discussed the strange serendipity of the situation. Then Joss Whedon walked by and I gathered all my courage and asked for a photo with him. He was very nice about it! I would post it on here, but I am vain and I think I look less-than-awesome in the photo, so you're just going to have to take my word for it.

We played some touchy porn and successfully got the jukebox to play our songs before closing time. It was great. Then we went home and slept.

The next day, I met my friend Steve at Intelligentsia in Silverlake. They have the best lattes in L.A., and you can quote me on that. Just look:

I lent him my sewing machine and we talked about his website and people who have lame boyfriends. Then, I took Jeff to Scoops, where we had the following flavors of ice cream: earl grey and lemongrass; brie and artichoke; and olive oil and vanilla sea salt. It was delicious. Walking around with our ice cream, Jeff and I discovered this cool mural off Melrose:

Back at home, I cut Jeff's hair on my patio. Did I mention that it was about 80 degrees in L.A. this weekend? It was ridiculously gorgeous.

With newly-short hair, Jeff and I went to meet Amanda at the Chinese New Year Celebration in Chinatown. And, yes, I did at some point say, "forget it, Jeff, it's Chinatown." I was the only one who thought it was funny. We arrived in time to catch the end of the parade where they set off more firecrackers than you've ever seen in your life all at once. Apparently dragons like firecrackers, observe:

We were getting pelted with the exploded casings and it was louder than a jet engine, but it was good times. Then Jeff and Amanda went into the bouncy castle and realized they were too old when they were tired after a mere five minutes of jumping. Then we saw some cool Chinese acrobats. Then we left to walk back to Amanda's car.

Walking through downtown L.A., I came across this one-stop shop for all your marital needs:

There were actually people in there with wedding dresses on, waiting to walk down the aisle. I didn't see any couples preparing for divorce, but Amanda suggested they should walk backwards down the aisle to make it official.

Jeff popped in to a Ritmo Latino store to look for some music and I found the Bill Clinton book, seemingly miscategorized:

Or was it?

Then we went to the Universal Citywalk, 'cause as an NBC employee I could a) park for free in my work garage and b) get discounts at all kinds of restaurants and bars. We ate, saw Juno, then went home and slept.

It was one of those weekends that reminds me why I love Los Angeles so much. There's a never-ending supply of stuff to do, places to go, and people to see. All that and it's 80 degrees in February.

Days 5 and 6: Pico and the Sundance Kid

2008-02-05T18:06:00.000-08:00

My last two days at Sundance were so action-packed that I didn't get a chance to blog at all. I started this entry while sitting in the Salt Lake City airport waiting for my (inevitably delayed) flight to LAX. I then arrived back to L.A. and suddenly "real life" wanted me back. I had to work. I had to unpack. I had to pay attention to my cats. I had to answer all the emails I had put off reading. And I didn't get a chance to blog until now.

I suppose I failed my pledge to blog daily, but I hope you can cut me a little slack. I did see a lot of celebrities in my last day, so that should make up for it a bit. Right? Okay, lets get straight to it.

Day 5: The Best Day

I was awake before dawn on Tuesday. I was determined to get into a screening of Choke before I left, and my only opportunity was to waitlist for an 8:30 a.m. screening at the Racquet Club. This meant getting there around 6:30, which is a half hour before the shuttles begin running. It was a slight problem.

I had considered walking the mile between the Yarrow Hotel and the venue, thinking a little exercise and fresh air would help keep me awake. But when I looked up the current temperature on my iPhone—0° F— and saw that the sun was still below the horizon, I called a cab. It was well worth the $5, as I still had plenty of time to freeze my ass off.

Arriving so early meant that I was twelfth in line, which pretty much guaranteed me a ticket. However, the waiting-list tent had apparently run out of propane for the heating system, and the temperature inside was exactly the same as outside (reports varied from -3° to 2° F), with the added bonus of large fans blowing cold air through the tent. It was so cold that my line-mate, Jeff, had frost on his beard:

After getting our waitlist numbers, many of us attempted to get some coffee from the kindly woman at the Racquet Club concessions stand. However, her bottled water had frozen solid overnight, and this had delayed the making of any warm beverages. After about 20 minutes I finally got some weak coffee, which temporarily warmed my fingertips and esophagus, but was generally unsatisfying. We were finally let into the theatre after nearly two hours of waiting in the frigid tent (which was definitely worse than my U23D waitlist experience, if you'll believe it) and proceeded to get the tingly thawing-of-extremities feeling for the entire length of the film.

Thankfully, Choke was hilarious. Sam Rockwell gives a brilliant comic performance, as usual. The filmmaking was very snappy, and though not as innovative as Fight Club, it certainly lived up to the Chuck Palahniuk aesthetic.

And Chuck Palahniuk was there! Look!

(The picture sucks, I know. But it's proof, isn't it?)

I left Choke during the Q&A so I could go waitlist for A Complete History of My Sexual Failures at the Holiday Theatre.

When I got to the waitlist tent, I was reminded how different Sundance is on a weekday. During opening weekend, waitlist lines spill out of the tents, people scalp tickets for exorbitant prices, and your chances of getting in to a popular film are pretty slim unless you show up three hours early.

On Tuesday, however, the wait-list tent was a ghost town. I ended up with #8 in the waitlist, so I got into the movie and even snagged myself a good seat!

A Complete History of My Sexual Failures turned out to be my favorite film from Sundance. It's a British documentary by Chris Waitt where he decides to interview all his ex-girlfriends to find out why he keeps getting dumped. The premise is kind of "High Fidelity," but it evolves into Waitt's hilarious and sad journey to try and figure out what's gone wrong in his life up to this point. It's shockingly personal and leaves Waitt naked (both emotionally and physically) in front of the camera in ways I haven't seen before. It's not a perfect movie, but it was so surprising, genuine, and laugh-out-loud hilarious that it wins my very prestigious award:

I must also mention that this was the best Q&A I have been to at any Sundance. Because the film is so personal, we all felt like we knew Chris Waitt, and thus the audience asked him some questions you wouldn't feel right asking Ben Kinglsey or Al Gore. For example: "Are you still taking Viagra?"

After the Q&A, I headed straight to Main Street to join the USC Alumni party. I had failed to successfully RSVP, so I had to show my USC student ID at the door before they'd let me in! (Thank goodness I still keep that one in my wallet.) At the soiree, I ran into my new USC friends I had met the night of Paranormal Activity. I also ran into an old friend from my graduate program (Master of Professional Writing, fyi) who was at Sundance with a fancy press pass. Some people have all the luck...

After three drinks and lots of good conversation, I headed over to the Library to see The Black List with my dad and stepmom. The movie is just a series of head-and-shoulders interviews with 20 prominent African-Americans including Toni Morrison, Sean Combs, Colin Powell, Suzan-Lori Parks, and Chris Rock. Elvis Mitchell was behind the camera interviewing each person, but you never see or hear him.

This could have been horribly boring. Instead, it had me sitting on the edge of my seat. The interviews were so well edited, the subjects so eloquent, funny, and fascinating, that I could have sat through 20 more of them without getting tired. It's apparently sold to HBO, so keep an eye out for it. It's a real gem.

After the movie, I headed back to Main Street to meet up with the USC people. I had a few drinks and enjoyed the company of people my own age for a bit (sorry, dad, you know I love ya). Then I returned home to get my requisite four hours of sleep to recharge for my final day at Sundance.

Day 6: The Last Day

Waking up to see Sugar at 8:30 a.m. at the Racquet Club was a tad painful after five days of sleep deprivation. The one saving grace was that we had tickets to screenings all day, so we wouldn't have to waitlist. I was excited about Sugar, because it was directed by the same people who did Half Nelson, a movie I liked quite a bit. This movie is about a young Dominican baseball player trying to make it to the American big leagues. However, the pacing was a bit slow for my taste, and I found myself nodding off more than once. This means I can't really give it a valid review, but I can say I was disappointed.

We stayed for the Q&A afterwards, where people were generally impressed by the accuracy of the baseball scenes. I guess Sugar has got that going for it. I wouldn't know.

We then headed straight to the Library to see Death In Love. This, without a doubt, is the most provocative movie I've seen at Sundance. That's not to say I liked it. I don't think I did. But I've never had as extensive a discussion about a film at Sundance as I did with this one. The basic story is about a 40 year-old guy, played by Josh Lucas, who has major love and trust issues. But the crux of the story is about his mother, who as a young Jewish girl became the lover of a brutal Nazi doctor who performed medical experiments on concentration camp victims. The movie is all about violence and sex and how they're connected.

This movie brought out the vigilant feminist in me. The opening sequence was a montage of sex scenes, usually with women screaming in ecstasy, cut in with very graphic and bloody scenes of surgery and medical experimentation. Over all these scenes, the main character is reciting this very stilted monologue about how being old is horrible, 'cause when you sleep with young women you're jealous of their youth, and when you sleep with old women, well, they seem old. Clearly, nobody wants to sleep with old women, right? I found the movie's attitude toward women offensive and a little scary. The sexualizing of violence against women is so commonplace it's become passe. This poster is a good example of what I'm talking about:

Ooh! Sexy lady with scary demon about to devour her! Are we supposed to be scared or turned on?

Now, juxtaposing sex and violence isn't necessarily a bad thing, and I understand that it's a valid topic for discussion. But altogether, I found this movie condescending and, overall, a bit of a mess. There were too many stories to tell, and thus they all got short shrift. I do have to say that Lukas Haas did an amazing job as Josh Lucas' emotionally-unstable brother. Plus, I've had crush on Lukas Haas since I was a teenager, so I was excited to see him at the Q&A.

Did you just see me go straight from uber-feminist to giggling schoolgirl in one sentence? That's called being flexible.

After Death In Love, we all went to lunch and then spent an hour talking about the movie some more. Then we went off to see A Raisin in the Sun at the Eccles. Unbeknownst to us, this was the movie's world premiere, and thus all of its famous cast was at the screening. I was sitting about fifteen seats away from Sean Combs (a.k.a. P Diddy, Puff Daddy, you know...) and John Stamos (I had to refrain from yelling "uncle Jesse!" at him). Audra MacDonald was also there. She's awesome. And I don't say that just because she's also from Fresno. (Her dad was my high school principal. Yup.) Rent Wit and you'll see what I'm talking about.

The movie was just superb. The screenwriter had adapted the stage play ever-so-slightly, so it kept the integrity of Lorraine Hansberry's 1959 original without it seeming too stage-y. It was just entertaining, well-acted, and an overall good movie.

Of course, my camera battery had died at the last minute, so all I have is this video of Diddy as proof that we were in the same room:

After the Q&A, we headed straight back to the hotel to catch our shuttle back to the SLC airport. And that was the end of Sundance for me!

And I'll end with my obligatory Celebrity Sightings List:

Chuck Palahniuk (he's a celeb to me, okay?)

Sean "P Diddy" Combs

Audra MacDonald

Felicia Rashod

John Stamos

Lukas Haas

Jacqueline Bissette

Josh Lucas

JOHNNY CASH SUNDAYS: BOB DYLAN

2008-02-03T01:23:00.000-08:00

Happy Sunday folks!

POLITICS AND FOOTBALL

2008-02-02T19:48:00.001-08:00

As I was watching a rerun of The Simpsons on Fox tonight, I saw this:

Of course, I had to pause and get a picture. It was too good. The promo was preceded by "Tomorrow, only on Fox! America's two favorite pastimes..."

Only on Fox, indeed.

And, yes, I will be posting my final Sundance blog soon, I swear. I'm a big procrastinator, I know. I promise it'll be good---here's a little tidbit to keep up your interest: I was sitting 10 seats away from Sean "P. Diddy" Combs at my last screening.

Don't forget to vote on Tuesday!

PANCAKE DAY: THE BRITS HAVE BEEN HOLDING OUT ON US

2008-02-02T14:27:00.000-08:00

Nissa (my best mate, currently residing in London): Tuesday is Pancake Day in the UK. My fav holiday

me: holy shit what is pancake day?

Nissa: oh my god it is the best thing ever

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shrove_Tuesday

me: It sounds glorious! Where you gonna get your pancakes?

Nissa: I make them, we have them with Dulce De Leche and bananas. People have all sorts of crazy Pancake races on tuesday as well, it’s the best holiday

me: Oh man, why you gotta live so far away on Pancake Day!

Nissa: http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/database/basilpancakswithsuga_66226.shtml

the traditional way to have them is with Lemon and Sugar, but I like Dulce De leche and banana, and also Cherry jam and cream is good too

-There you go folks! This Tuesday go vote then grab some pancakes. The Griddle has take out.

PICO'S ADOPTABLE DOG OF THE WEEK-BRETT!

2008-02-02T10:05:00.000-08:00

I've been slacking on the adoptable dog postings. Big time. Last night I'm sitting on my couch minding my own business when that god damned Pedigree commercial comes on! You know the one with David Duchovny as the voice of the homeless dog. I dove for the remote but it was too late . . . . 3 seconds later I was crying. Seriously people, who buys dogs? That's just wrong! RESCUE!!!!

Brett - He's a wee thing and was rescued by The Paw'd Squad via the Pasadena Humane Society. Looks to me like he's got some pitt bull in him and he's a pup so there is some serious potential for the sweetest cuddler ever. Check out other dogs at The Paw'd Squad.

Here's a happy Pedigree commerical!

JOHNNY CASH SUNDAYS!

2008-01-27T20:38:00.000-08:00

Enjoy folks!

IT NEVER RAINS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

2008-01-24T20:51:00.000-08:00

-There's some kind of low pressure system thing coming from somewhere and whatever it is . . . it's here.

- At certain Subways when it's raining you can buy one get one free (plus a drink). You gotta check first though cuz they don't all do it.

- Pare Umbrela has some cool ones.

- Raindogs sells some pretty cool stuff (and I'm not even holding it against them that they left LA for greener pastures)

NOTE: "It Never Rains in Southern California" was actually released in 1972 by some douche named Albert Hammond, but was done right in 1992 by Tony, Toni Tone!

JOE'S PIZZA - SANTA MONICA

2008-01-22T09:30:00.000-08:00

There are two people in my life that nut themselves over New York whenever it's mentioned. One is Jane and the other is Dahoud. For a few years now I've been listening to them whine about the pizza in LA sucking in comparison to NYC. I usually just give them the obligatory nod, knowing that if I ever leave this fair city I'll be saying the same shit about Mexican food. Much like Londoners never shut up about their Indian food, it's the circle of food.

A while back Jane took me to Joe's Pizza in Santa Monica (her new favorite). This is due to the fact that "Joe" is the very same Joe from Brooklyn. I have to say . . . . these two might be on to something. It was better, not only that the atmosphere is exactly what you would imagine it to be. The guys behind the counter are yelling at each other, there is a line that rivals Pinkberry, and Joe himself is kickin it at the cash register.

However, there is one very important detail that makes Joe's in Santa Monica superior to the NYC branches. IT'S IN SANTA MONICA. Instead of grabbing a slice and walking to a park to enjoy it, you are just steps away from the Pacific Ocean (god's park). That my friends is why we win.

Note:
-Cash only
-$2.75-$3.50/slice
-the parking will most likely suck.

(map)

Day 4: Pico and the Sundance Kid

2008-01-21T21:09:00.000-08:00

Doc Day

This should be a short post because I'm trying to get to bed soon to catch an 8:30 a.m. screening of Choke tomorrow morning. Plus, I didn't see any celebrities or take any good pictures, But I did see some good films! Lets get right to it, shall we?

Okay, so everything wasn't fantastic today. We had tickets to a screening of Ballast at the Eccles, but walked out after 30 minutes. Yes, I know. It's horrible. The director was sitting really close to us, too. But the combination of bleak subject matter (suicides, poverty, the American South) and nearly incomprehensible dialogue made this film impossible to sit through. Or I thought so, at least. We probably could have given it more time, but we weren't in the mood.

We then went back to the hotel and ate a bit before heading off to see Nerahkoon (The Betrayal) at the Library. Before the feature, they showed a documentary short called My Olympic Summer which was possibly the best short I've seen at the festival so far. It was moving, beautiful to watch, and just so well composed. The feature was also excellent. Filmed over the course of 20 years, it chronicled the effects of war and exile on a Laotian family. Great, moving stuff.

I had to duck out of the Q&A early to try and make it to the Documentary Shorts program over at Prospector Square. Despite bad rush-hour traffic (yes, Pico readers, they do have traffic in Utah occasionally), I made it in time to get a good seat. This shorts program was hands-down the best yet, with three strikingly good films that stood out among the rest. The first was Kids + Money, which consisted entirely of interviews with Los Angeles teenagers on the topic of money. The filmmaker found a great cross-section of L.A. in these kids, and the interviews are hilarious, shocking, and sometimes just sad. It will apparently be on HBO at some point, so keep an eye out. The other doc was called Pilgrimage.

The film is about the annual pilgrimage to the Manzanar Concentration Camp in California. Here's a trailer:

The short film Corona was an eye-opener, if I do say so myself. It's about a beauty pageant held in the largest female prison in Colombia. Each cell block competes, and it's interesting to see convicted murderers, guerillas, and thieves vie so adamantly for the crown. Read more about it on the Sundance site.

Dad and Yvonne stayed for the Q&A at Nerahkoon, so they missed the documentary shorts and went to see Traces of the Trade, about a Rhode Island family descended from slave traders. They both said it was excellent, and dad even got interviewed by PBS afterwards. He's famous now.

I was hoping to squeeze in another screening tonight, but instead I thought I'd eat a leisurely dinner and catch some Zs. Plus, check out my hands:

Each of those marks is a reentry stamp for a screening. When I've racked up that many, I think it's okay to call it a night.

On that note, I'd like to close with my daily celeb sightings list...

Nobody
Nadie
Niemand
Nessuno

Oh well, who needs celebrities, anyway? Not me!

Day 3: Pico and the Sundance Kid

2008-01-21T00:46:00.000-08:00

Part 1: U2 Odyssey

Last time I left you, dear readers, I was waiting to see if I would get in to the midnight screening of "U23D" at the Eccles Theatre. I had just endured two hours of 19-degree weather, and I was determined to get inside the theatre.

After blogging, I took the shuttle back to the theatre to take my coveted #1 place in line.

As you can see, I was prepared. I was also envied. Take a look at the crowd hoping to get into the screening:

And that's about half of the people waiting—the lucky half, since the others were suffering outside in the cold.

Just before they started letting the ticketed folks in, a kind soul came up and gave me a hard ticket for the same $10 I would have paid to get in on the waitlist. So I trudged outside and joined the ticket-holders line, which gave me a slightly better advantage of getting a good seat.

I purposefully sat near the podium because I knew U2 was in the building. I also knew any celebrities to be seen would be in that vicinity. Apparently Oprah and Al Gore had attended the 9:45 show, so I was holding out for a good sighting. I didn't see Oprah, but tell me if you can find Glenn Close in this picture:

For the 3-d effects, you had to don some really sexy glasses:

The director of Sundance personally threatened us all with bodily harm if we didn't return the glasses at the end of the screening, or else I would have taken them home and worn them on a daily basis.

And, of course, U2 was there! (Well, U2 minus the drummer, Larry.) Check this out:

And a video of their comments before the film:

(My new friend Marsha also posted a video of their comments before the 9:45 show, if you're interested.)

And, hey, they actually showed the movie at the end of it all! Howdya like that? The movie is just 3-d footage of a 2006 concert in Buenos Aires, but it's cut together very well and the 3-d effects are just plain cool. It alternately feels like you're at the concert and that you're on stage with U2... and that you're 40-feet tall. They play all the good standbys: "One," "Sunday Bloody Sunday," "Where the Streets Have No Name," "With or Without You." You get the gist. If you're a huge U2 fan, this is a must-see. Luckily, it should be getting limited release on January 23, so go buy your tickets now!

Part 2: The Morning After

Freezing your ass off for hours and then watching a virtual U2 concert until 3 a.m. does not make a body good. Especially the next morning, when you have tickets to the 9:15 Shorts II program. I was only able to roll off my aerobed out of a sense of obligation. Obligation to my dad and Yvonne, who were off seeing another screening and had entrusted me to sell their two tickets to waitlisters. Obligation to you, my blog readers, to not slack off and try and see as many films as possible. And Obligation to myself to not be a lazy bum.

Luckily, the shorts program was quite good. I met fellow Sundance blogger Dana at the screening, and we discussed previous Sundance hits and misses. I definitely recommend the Danish short "Dennis" (about a weightlifter with a some Freudian issues) and "Aquarium" (about a fish-obsessed kid looking for love) in the "normal filmmaking" category. This shorts program also had two animated films that both were a bit explicit, but both hilarious. If you're not a prude or easily offended by sexual material, go check out "Teat Beat of Sex." It's amazingly innovative.

"Bend It" won my daily prize of "what were the programmers thinking?!?" The whole film was of two gender-ambiguous women dancing to an eponymous song. Then it was over. Performance art? Sure. Sundance-worthy short film? I think not. Steve, keep your chin up. If stuff like "Bend It" can make it to Sundance, your films surely can. You just have to pray to the right programming gods...

After the shorts, I joined dad and Yvonne for lunch and they told me that Megane, the film I had opted to skip, was the best thing they had seen so far. Dad said it was like a symphony. Oh well.

After lunch, we went to use our tickets for the 1pm screening of Yasukuni. It was a documentary about a controversial shrine for war heroes in Japan. Or so I gathered. The combination of 4 hours' sleep, reading subtitles, and the low-key soundtrack put me straight to sleep for most of the film. Asking dad and Yvonne after the screening, I gathered it wasn't the most well-made film, anyway, so my snoozing wasn't totally uncalled for. The consensus seems to be that the director took a very interesting topic and made it uninteresting through amateurish filmmaking. Oh well.

I then went and took a nap in the room before joining the team for Shorts Program V at the Prospector Theatre. We had tickets, which was a good thing since it was a completely full screening. I couldn't figure out why there was such an unusual demand for a shorts program until the programmer introduced Isabella Rossellini as one of the directors. She made a series of shorts intended for web/mobile called "Green Porno," in which she described the sexual behaviors of various insects. They were hilarious. Keep an eye out for them. The others were good, too, but nothing sticks out in my mind quite as much as the insect porn. Silly me.

I ducked out of the Q&A for the shorts to try and catch a 9:45 screening of The Wave at the Holiday Theatre. When I arrived, I got #74 in the wait list (for a theatre that seats 156), so I decided to head over to the Library to get an early start on the Great Buck Howard screening. However, a reliable-looking volunteer at the Library informed me that he didn't like the movie, and he thought my time might be better spent elsewhere. I thanked him and headed back to the Holiday to try my luck at The Wave.

In line for The Wave, I got to talking with the small group of other hopeless waitlisters nearby. In due time, we realized that we all were USC students or alumni, and we bonded over our Trojan pride. The Wave was sold out way before our lousy numbers, so we got to talking about a different plan of attack. We contemplated seeing Strangers at midnight, but then someone whipped out a Slamdance schedule and saw that the movie Paranormal Activity was about to get started on Main Street. I tagged along with my new USC buddies, and through the rush line I was able to get in to my very first Slamdance screening. It was a completely different feel—smaller theatre, fewer people, more accessible. I could get used to this.

The film was basically "Blair Witch Project" indoors. And I say this with the utmost of respect, because Paranormal Activity scared the CRAP out of me. It was about a young couple trying to document the weird hauntings they experience in their San Diego home. As the hauntings intensify, we get to see everything from a home-video perspective. It was creepy. It was great. I'm still kind of freaked out, so it must have been a good scary movie. Here's a preview:

I then walked down Main Street with an ever-growing group of USC people trying to find somewhere to grab a drink. We needed to calm our nerves, and beer sounded like the right medicine. However, all the bars either were invite-only or had outrageous covers, so we simply walked around in the snow for a bit. Just as we were commenting on how slippery the sidewalks were, we watched a girl in high-heeled boots bite it HARD on the pavement. There was a broken cell phone and blood involved. This didn't help us feel calmer. After a while, we realized the bars were closing and hailed a taxi home.

And now I'm going to bed. I don't have a screening until noon tomorrow, so I can sleep in and, hopefully, not fall asleep in a movie theatre. And now, my short-but-sweet Celebrity-Sightings List!

Bono, for real

The Edge, again

Adam Clayton

Glenn Close

Isabella Rossellini

JOHNNY CASH SUNDAYS!

2008-01-20T23:18:00.000-08:00

This afternoon it was decided amongst the powers that be to institute Johnny Cash Sundays. As Mr. N said it's not just a coincidence that Johnny Cash and Jesus Christ have the same initials.

Here's Ray Charles doin his thang on the Johnny Cash Show. Johnny Cash's rendering of Ring of Fire is one of the greatest EVER, but it doesn't hold a candle to Ray's version. Then again, I'm pretty sure that Ray Charles could sing a song about terd and it would be awesome.

Day 2: Pico and the Sundance Kid

2008-01-19T21:55:00.000-08:00

Well, folks, it hasn't been the most productive day at Sundance. So far, I've only been to one screening today, but I'm hoping to get into a midnight screening of "U2 3D" in an hour. I just waited outside in the 19-degree weather for two hours to see this movie, so it better be worth it. Check back tomorrow for a review.

This morning, I decided to skip the 8:30 a.m. screening of "Secrecy" in favor of sleep, which I'm now very happy about since I'm going to be up until 2 a.m. watching a three-dimensional U2 concert at the Eccles Theatre.

I saw Shorts Program I at 1 p.m. today at the Holiday Village Theatre. We had 2 tickets among the three of us, so I got in the wait list at 11 a.m. and was given #15, which was pretty solid. During my 90-minute break between getting my number and having to return to line, I ate an enormous lunch at the Chinese buffet and chilled. Dad and Yvonne went in with their tickets and saved me a seat next to them, and I got in with plenty of time to spare.

Steve, you wanted to know if any of the shorts were worse than Helmet. In the Shorts I program, I can give you an undeniable "yes" to that question. Let me first mention the two good shorts. The first film, "Chief," was excellent.

The last film, "A Relationship in Four Days," was pretty good. Here's the trailer:

The rest ranged from just-okay to are-you-freakin'-kidding-me? There was one film called "Motion Studies" that was literally just a guy running as fast as he can in full armor until he falls down. It lasted approximately 30 seconds. It would make a funny YouTube video, but a Sundance short? Give me a break.

I could go on about my distaste for a number of the shorts, but I'm trying to stay positive and I do have to run to catch the U2 movie.

I also waited in line for "I.O.U.S.A" but didn't get in. Such is Sundance on the opening weekend. Oh well.

On that note, here's my sad list of celeb sightings for today:

-The Edge
-Oh, and the back of Bono's head

At least those are good ones. Hopefully I can rack up some more at this next screening!

Day 1: Pico and the Sundance Kid

2008-01-18T22:22:00.000-08:00

According to weather.com it's currently 11° F in Park City but it feels like 0° F with the wind chill. That's nearly 50° lower than Los Angeles, but I'm braving the cold to watch independent film and hobnob with celebrities! Poor me!

(Quick sidenote: being a knitter comes in handy in this absolutely frigid weather. Sundance may be the only place I get to wear all my hand-knit garments.)

I was able to fit in four screenings today. Let me tell you a bit about them:

Shorts Program III

(8:30 a.m. - Library Theatre - had tickets, no waiting in line necessary)

We met the shorts programmer on the bus to this screening, and she informed us that over 4000 films were submitted this year. That's a hell of a lot of films. Of course, my first thought was "Well, they better be damn good." Luckily, they were all pretty well done. Only one film was a bit disappointing in the bunch. It was called "Welcome" that starred Winona Ryder and was written and directed by Kirsten Dunst. Honestly, the short was decent, but I can guarantee that if those names weren't attached there's no way it would have been picked for the festival, so that really rubs me the wrong way.

I highly recommend the following shorts: "Spider," "Crossbow," and "Sikumi." I believe they'll be available on iTunes soon. When they are, I'll post a link.

Slingshot Hip Hop

(11:30 a.m. - Prospector Square Theatre - had tickets)

In the interest of full disclosure, I need to tell you that I'm friends with Nizar Wattad, a.k.a. Ragtop whose album helped fund this film.

Conflict of interest aside, this was still a great documentary about Palestinian rappers. The film was engaging, exciting, and left you hopeful for peace. That and rap is fun to dance to.

A bunch of the hip hop artists featured in the film were at the screening. They performed for us, and I got some fuzzy video of it:

(There are 3 more videos on my youtube page if you're interested. Don't be distracted by the silly cat videos.)

I got me a picture with a bunch of the rappers, too.

American Soldier, a.k.a. The Recruiter

(2:30 p.m. - Prospector Square Theatre - wait list #56)

This movie has many names. Well, just two, but that's more than most movies. In the program, it's listed as "American Solider," but the director of programming announced that the name had been changed to "The Recruiter" before the screening began. If anyone wants to know my two cents, I think "American Soldier" was better. Anywho...

This was a documentary about Sergeant First Class Clay Usie, one of most successful Army recruiters in America. It follows him and four recruits in Houma, Lousiana as they graduate from high school, go through basic training, and get deployed to Iraq. It was undeniably disturbing to watch pimply-faced 17 and 18 year-olds enlist in the U.S. Army. It was very sad to listen to the parents discuss the possibility of their children dying in the war. All in all, a good film.

Transsiberian

(6:15 p.m. - Eccles Theatre - wait list #136 then #86)

We went to wait list for Transsiberian, a film in the premiere category that starred Woody Harrelson, Ben Kingsley, Emily Mortimer, and others. We arrived as they were giving out the wait list numbers, and we scored numbers 136-138. This wasn't very promising. After getting our numbers, we had 90 minutes to kill before having to get back in line, so I went back to the hotel and my dad and stepmom decided to head to Main Street.

Apparently, they were selling cool electric motorcycles on Main Street and my dad got all caught up checking out all their zero-emissions glory. They lost track of time, and I found myself alone in the wait-list line at the Eccles. After calling them, it became clear that they wouldn't make it back in time, so I decided to see the movie alone. Chatting up my fellow line-waiters, I found out that someone had an extra wait list number and since I was the only person flying solo, I got to jump ahead in line to #86. Then a guy came by trying to sell a single ticket, so I thought I'd buy it from him until I discovered he wanted to charge $50. Fifty bucks! Wait list tickets are $10. I declined, and got in to the screening from the wait list with no problems. Ha! Take that, Sundance ticket scalper!

Oh yeah, the film. It was great, a real nail-biter. The director, Brad Anderson, pulled off the suspense very well. Woody Harrelson was pretty hilarious, and Ben Kingsley was amazing, as usual. Emily Mortimer also pulled off a brilliant performance.

Here's a very bad picture of the director and Ben Kingsley:

And I'll end today's post with my....
Daily Celebrity-Sighting List

Ben Kingsley

Emily Mortimer

Kate Mara

Woody Harrelson

Eduardo Noriega

David Blue

Magic Johnson (in the Burbank airport... kind of counts!)

Pico and the Sundance Kid

2008-01-16T17:18:00.000-08:00

Pico readers: stay tuned for daily blogs from the 2008 Sundance Film Festival!

Sure, Sundance isn't technically in Los Angeles, and this is an L.A. blog. But Park City does turn into a little suburb of Los Angeles for the ten days of Sundance, so it kind of counts. Plus, what's more L.A. than movies? Correct answer: nothing!

I will be there from January 18th to the 23rd, and if I don't let my laziness overcome me, I'll be posting mini reviews here each day I'm at the festival. In the meantime, you can read my review of last year's festival at Flak Magazine.

CHiPs

2008-01-07T22:44:00.000-08:00

New Years Day 2008. My special lady friend and I are driving on the 210 East headed towards the Other Valley (not the San Fernando Valley or Santa Clarita Valley, but the other one) for some family birthday cheer. We are deeply engaged in conversation when I notice in my rearview mirror that Johnny Law is in the carpool lane and three feet away from my rear bumper. In the moment it took me to glance down at my speedometer (which was edging 85) and back up at the rearview mirror, he had already flipped the rollers. Maybe it’s me, but the first thought that went through my head was “I can take this guy.” Then I remembered that I’m a chicken-shit and he has a supercharged Hemi engine, a gun, and access to air support.

CHP: [Over the intercom] “PULL OVER SIR!

Me: [Raising my hand in the rearview to acknowledge him] “Prick”

CHP: [Over the intercom] “ALL THE WAY OVER!”

Me: “You mean I can’t stop in the number three lane Asshole?”

Special Lady Friend: “I know a good internet traffic school”

CHP: [Over the intercom] “OFF THE FREEWAY!”

Me: [Raising my hand yet again to acknowledge him] “Dude, I get it.”

CHP: [Over the intercom] “STOP HERE!”

Me: [Lowering my window]

CHP: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Uh, no Officer, I wasn’t paying attention. I’m sorry.”

CHP: “I clocked you and the car in front of you at 85! License and registration.”

Me: “Listen, I’m really sorry about that officer.”

CHP: “I’ll be back”

Special Lady Friend: “It’s ok. You’ll pay your fine and take the class.”

Me: “It’s New Years Day and he’s not going to let me off”

CHP: “I wrote you up for 80+ so that you can go to traffic school. Drive safe.”

Me: “Thanks Officer.”

Now, here is how it should have gone down:

CHP: “Do you know how fast you were going!”

Me: “You look nothing like Erik Estrada”

CHP: “What did you say?”

Me: “I said write another bullshit speeding ticket and fuck off.”

CHP: “You’re right. I’m a total douche. Since its New Years Day, I will pretend that I am human for a today and let you go. Here’s $20, buy your special lady friend something nice.”

Me: “Thanks for wasting my time you cheap bastard” [peels out leaving him in a cloud of burnt rubber]

So…does anyone know any good internet traffic schools?

MY 10 THINGS TO LOVE ABOUT LOS ANGELES*

2007-12-30T01:10:00.000-08:00

In the holiday spirit, and in the spirit of the year drawing to a close, K suggested I write a list of 10 Things I Love About Living in This Town. Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, I had trouble keeping the list to just 10 things (apologies to fellow contributors/comment-makers Dahoud and Mr. N, both of whom are probably having a fit right now that anyone could find 10 things to love anywhere). It's late and I've been nipping at the old nog a bit, so I might delve a bit deeper than our loyal readers are used to going, but bearing with me holds its own rewards:

1) The Light. Much has been said of our sunsets, but to me, the light in LA is wondrous all the day long. We all need a good healthy dose of Vitamin D every once in a while. But in LA, the daily UVA is delivered in such gorgeous golden tones as to inspire an entire industry (see: film), multiple essays, theories and odes to it. It's incredible. Anyway, 2008 marks five years of my repatriation as an Angeleno. I've learned that the light here has ruined my ability to live anywhere else for any extended period of time. See: S.A.D. Chalk it up to latitude, the special refractory bowl that is the LA Basin and the curve of the coast, or just magic, but I can't live without it.

2) The Landscape. The following anecdote is also closely related to my above reason for loving LA, and it wouldn't be possible were it not for our unique geography. I was heading east on the 210 freeway a few days ago to visit the extended N clan just before dusk. Somewhere around Monrovia, I noticed the gorgeous glowing oranges of sunset in my rearview mirror. And to my right, the fantastic salmon tones of the mountains, reaching clear across the horizon, so sharp and so close. I could even see snow bouncing the last rays of the day from the slopes of Mt. Baldy. I looked back in the rearview mirror to see palm trees outlined in orange. I looked forward to the open highway heading east, and the now purple mountains. I looked back to the palm trees. I looked forward to the mountains. I looked back. I looked forward. I almost slammed into the car in front of me. That's how stunned am I sometimes by the sheer beauty of where we live. We got the city, we got the beach, we got the mountains. It's pretty awesome. Granted, we got the valley and the traffic and the smog, too, but on a clear winter day, there's not much that can get me down.

3) The Food. Forget the frozen yogurt wars (the cognoscenti all know that regardless of whether your berry is pink or your cupcake is sprinkled, Scoops has the dessert market cornered in this town), I'm talking about street food: the grandmothers selling tamales from shopping carts in West LA, hot dogs wrapped in bacon on top of trashcans in Hollywood, and chili-pepper corn in East LA. Also, the sheer variety of places to eat, regardless of your budget, and the hard-working families who make those places so special. You know my love for Bombay Grill, but I also love that ethnic food isn't ethno-centric in LA. Where else can you find restaurants with Mexicans serving Indian food, Koreans serving Mexican food, and Guatamalans running the floor at a Jewish deli? Diversity isn't just for your stock portfolio, people--it tastes damn good, too.

4) The people who sit in coffee shops all day on their laptops. We all know they're just checking email and updating their Facebook pages while appearing to write the next big screenplay, but I love them. And I love that a stellar screenplay, novel or blog post probably does live in their hearts. This is the land of dreams, and it takes a lot of creative people wishing, wanting, and doing to attract the muses. Bring it on, I say. No one in LA is just a waitress, or a bookkeeper, or a Pilates instructor. Plenty of cynics will rehash how cliche and annoying the cafe layabouts are, but I find them refreshing and inspiring. And we're not all actors, BTW. Some of us are aspiring commercial airline pilots and ninjas in training, so there.

5) People who actually watch movies without talking, using laser pointers, answering their cell phones, standing up to stretch, throwing things, or generally stinking up the place. I've been subject to all of the above disrupting my favorite two hours of the week, but never in Los Angeles. Maybe it's cuz I'm a snob and stick to places like the Arclight where the above behavior is not tolerated, but I also like to think it's because so many of us here, working in the 'biz or not, simply respect the medium and all the work that went into it (see #4). Then again, now that tickets cost $14, you gotta respect something.

6) Canyon shortcuts. Traffic sucks, especially trying to get anywhere on the other side of the hill. But I never tire of driving over the canyons. I love these little enclaves of precipitously perched homes, scenic vistas, and clutch-burning climbs. Whether swinging around blind curves on Beachwood Canyon only to meet the Hollywood sign face to face, gunning through rock n'roll history on Laurel Canyon or avoiding the madness of the central Hollywood fun-zone on Outpost (shhh-don't tell) to Mulholland, I never tire of the thrill found in escaping up and over. It even helps soften the blow of landing in the Valley, because at least I know I can always go back the way I came. The 101, or the 405, however, is not as certain, but that leads me to my next favorite thing about living in Los Angeles:

7) Freeways. Yep, I said it. I was born to drive, and am probably better suited to the Autobahn than LA's freeways, but apparently the Germans have adopted speed limits and it's just not the same. For those of you who know me, and know my love of public transporation and deep-seated shame at not having a better option for my morning commute than spending an hour to go 10 miles in my car, this may seem a rather strange favorite thing--AND YET. I drive surface streets at rush hour, but given the alternative, I always choose the freeway. It's sick and strange, I know, but freeways make me feel secure. Whenever I'm lost, if I can find a freeway onramp, any onramp, as soon as I climb onboard the concrete trail, I know exactly where I am and where I'm going. There's nothing like the endless stretch of asphalt into the palm-laden horizon to get my juices going. We'd be better off without them, I know, but sometimes you've gotta love the one you're with. I just wish there were more murals along the way. Like the Olympic-era murals on the 10/5/101 interchange downtown. Can we revive those?

8) My friends. Anyone who says LA people are stupid and (we hear it lots) fake are ignorant fools. Some of the finest folk in the world live here. Get out there and meet them.

9) The music. As diverse as the food, any night of the week. For more details, check out LosAnjealous.com . I think those folks go to a show every night and they're always in the front row (just look at the pics). Seriously, so many venues, so many artists and occasional rock stars to choose from, and so little, little time.

10) Pico Boulevard, duh.

*Special thanks to photog Lloyd Prudhomme for letting us use his gorgeous pic of the LA skyline above. Check out more of his work here.

Happy New Year, People.

WHAT'S GOING ON IN DAHOUD?

2007-12-28T11:34:00.000-08:00

So you’ve jumped on the Global Warming bandwagon and bought yourself a Prius. Good for you! Well, having taken six years of Latin in High School, you can trust me when I say that the word “Prius” loosely translates to “blowhard.” Actually, the word “Prius” in Latin translates to “first,” as in the first person to point out that they are driving a hybrid and single-handedly saving mankind by getting 45 miles per gallon as opposed to 35 miles per gallon (Pico reader John pointed out that the 1987 Honda Civic CRX HF got an EPA rating of 57 miles per gallon a full 20 years before the hybrid craze). However, telling everyone that they drive a hybrid just isn’t enough for Prius owners, as they are compelled by their inner-Gore to make their car a mobile picket sign. Prius owners have been known to take such bold and controversial stands with their bumper stickers as “trees are good,” “abortions are legal,” “animals are nice, and therefore eating them is mean,” and “tolerance is preferred to intolerance.” The only thing more infuriating than watching these assholes fly past me on the 405 with their neon yellow “Access Ok” stickers plastered beside their “PETA” bumper stickers, is being forced to go through the added disgrace of reading their personalized license plates for an hour and forty-five minutes on my commute home. Some of the choice Prius plates I have seen this week have been:

"OILBGON”

The driver of this Prius is under the impression that her purchase has relieved her of the burden of relying on fossil fuels. Apparently her car runs on the same contraption that Kevin Costner had in Waterworld whereby she can urinate in her gas tank and emit purified drinking water.

"LIVEGRN”

Yah, live green man. Meanwhile, this Prius owner’s backseat was filled with plastic shopping bags. Until this guy shops with hemp bags that he harvested and wove himself, and his children use loin-skin diapers made from raccoon pelts, he can keep his preaching plate to himself.

“PRDIIB”

This Prius owner had an American flag license plate frame, reminding us that one can think green and be proud to be an American. Bold.

“COXZIST”

Why didn’t we think of this before? Israelis and Palestinians put down your arms because the guy in the Prius said that we should all coexist and respect each others differences. Yeah, the guy in the Prius with the Dave Matthews t-shirt eating granola, he said we should just live in harmony. So, that should solve that problem. It’s so simple, yet so brilliant. Moron.

To further illustrate my point, West Hollywood has recently adopted the Prius as their parking enforcement vehicle of choice. God, I hate parking enforcement. Every year Forbes releases a list of the most respected professions, and “Parking Enforcement” continually ranks one notch below “Professional Child Rapist”. If I get one more chicken-shit ticket from these guys for not turning my wheel far enough into the curb, (even though I’m parked on a street with a 1% grade) I might just snap. Also, spare me the argument that “they are just doing their job,” because then the guards at Dachau were just doing their job too. So, there you have it…buying a Prius is like supporting child raping and Nazism. I hope you are happy with your purchase.

PICO'S YEAR END GIVING GUIDE

2007-12-28T11:03:00.000-08:00

If you find yourself with extra money this year and feel like being charitable, or perhaps you're an a**hole and you just need the tax write off consider these:

-Childrens Hospital Los Angeles - Any donation helps (seriously, I don't think they are just saying that), and if you don't have money I know you have some blood you can donate. Buck up.

-Hollywood PALs

-Geffen Playhouse - On January 11th they are doing a Q&A with playwrights, plus Geffen Playhouse Applause Members get 20% off . . . . .

-LACMA memberships

and last but certainly not least . . . .

-The Bill Foundation - they rescue street dogs and find them homes
-The Pawd Squad - they do the same thing

dineLA RESTAURANT WEEK!

2007-12-27T15:35:00.000-08:00

This one is for all those idiots that say that LA doesn't have good food (you know who you are). It seems 100+ restaurants will be participating in dineLA Restaurant Week. January 27 – February 1, 2008, and February 3 – February 8, 2008.

"dineLA Restaurant Week unites restaurants from the traditional to the trendy to promote the extraordinary diversity and culinary expertise found throughout LA’s restaurant scene. Restaurants in two dining categories will serve a selection of three-course menus at special prices (per person excluding beverages, tax and gratuity)"

Prices: Lunch - $15/$25
Dinner - $22/$34

Check out their website for a complete list and menu items, here are a few highlights:

VIOLET (Santa Monica) - hopefully the mac n' cheese will be offered, it's good. Plus they are on Pico Blvd!

PETE'S CAFE & BAR (Downtown)- quaint little downtown place

DAKOTA (Hollywood) - this is a favorite of N, so I'm sure we'll be hitting this one up

THE HAPPY ENDING BAR & RESTAURANT (Hollywood) - the name alone will bring me there

EL CHOLO -PASADENA - I've been here twice and both times the valet changed every preset radio setting I had to a Spanish Christian station. I'm pissed off again just thinking about it. You just don't mess with a person's presets.

DOCTORS HAVE FUN MUGS

2007-12-26T20:18:00.000-08:00

Coming home for the holidays gives you a new perspective on things that used to seem normal. My most recent revelation was about the strange coffee mugs my mom has in her kitchen cabinet.

It seems that drug companies like to give out mugs to doctors. This makes sense from a marketing point of view, I suppose, but when pouring a hot cup of coffee in the morning most people don't think about dosing for impetigo.

In case you're wondering, here are some more details:

And it's not just drug companies, either. Apparently state-run health programs give out mugs, too:

At least they're more creative than "World's Best Mom!"

HAPPY HOLLY-DAZE

2007-12-24T15:16:00.001-08:00

Hope it's merry and bright wherever you are.

Love,

Pico

1-800-AUTOPSY

2007-12-21T18:11:00.000-08:00

Walking back to my car after visiting IKEA, I came across this strange sight:

The 1-800-AUTOPSY van! I did a real double-take, turning back on my heels to make sure I had seen that correctly. Private autopsies? Okey-doke. Whatever floats your boat.

Of course, since this was Burbank, they had to also do production consulting.

Some info from their website:

1-800-AUTOPSY bases our mission on commitment, respect and service to those that place their trust in us. We are committed to never lose our focus and broaden society's perspective of death.

1-800-AUTOPSY, established in 1988, is a totally autonomous and mobile-based thanatology specialty company. 1-800-AUTOPSY has cultivated a distinguished reputation of excellence within the funeral industry, hospital and research institutions, procurement tissue and organ foundations, private families and the legal community.

I can't tell you have often I've been disappointed by traditional brick-and-mortar thanatology specialists. Thank goodness there's a mobile unit out there for average folk like us.

So, the obvious question is this: what were they doing at IKEA?

New Yorker Ads about L.A.

2007-12-21T00:09:00.000-08:00

I was just flipping through my fresh-from-the-mailbox copy of The New Yorker Winter Fiction Issue before bed when I discovered a four-page ad for the "all-new Chrysler Town & Country" minivan.

On the first page, Bradley Whitford (of West Wing fame) and Jane Kaczmarek (of Malcolm in the Middle fame) pose in front of said van with their three young children playing in the background.

Okay, whatever. Nothing too remarkable. But let me read you the copy:

Come holiday time, prime-time celebs Bradley Whitford and Jane Kaczmarek and their three kids take their act on the road to visit family in Los Feliz and see the lights in Griffith Park. Fortunately, the all-new 2008 Chrysler Town & Country knows how to let the good times roll.

Is it just me, or does this seem like weird location-dropping... like name-dropping, you know? It never mentions Los Angeles, just Los Feliz and Griffith Park. Is this an attempt by L.A. locals to pretend like we have boroughs? Hell, I like Los Feliz as much as the next east-side hipster, but this feels wrong. And, man, that car was able to take them ALL the way from Los Feliz to Griffith Park? Amazing! Oh, wait... they're right next to each other.

Plus, you know no New Yorkers know how to properly mispronounce "Los Feliz."

I don't know why this was so unnerving to me, but it was. I was so perturbed, I decided to take more crappy photos of the thing with my iPhone. Here's proof:

Weird advertisements aside, there is some great fiction in this magazine. Junot Diaz has a fascinating short called "Alma" on page 52:

(See? Even more crappy iPhone photos of the magazine.)

Go read the story right now and you'll see what I mean.

I HEART TARGET

2007-12-16T23:58:00.000-08:00

At 2:00pm yesterday I entered the parking garage of the Target on the corner of La Brea and Santa Monica. At 2:36pm I exited said parking garage, having never left my car. The line for the parking validation machine was 20 people deep. I don't do well with crowds, and Christmas crowds are a little glimpse of Hell.

I ditched the shopping idea and hit up Pinkberry. However, I did return to Target at 10:30pm and exited said Target at 10:51pm, but this time with exactly what I needed. Twenty one minutes of pure shopping pleasure. I picked up the following items for my little nephews:

-Super Mario 8 for Wii (I'd like to add that my brother stood in line from 3am - 8am in the freezing cold Pittsburgh weather to purchase the Wii, he's in the running for Dad of the Year)

-Moonsand!!!!! Apparently this stuff is like play dough but better. It's a weird sand substance that never dries out and can be molded and whatnot. I had to stuff the Moon Sand Adventure Island in the back of my closet so as not to be overcome by my desire to open it up and make little monkeys for hours on end. I've already created a Monkey Island in my head. I'm going to make purple ones, blue ones, and yellow ones . . . . then I can make crazy mixed color ones that will be the Master Monkeys (they will have helmets and wear dusters). The Master Monkeys will be able to kick the subordinate monkeys off the island. I might even work in some kind of lesson on communism for my 3 year old nephew. This might be the best Christmas ever.

DON'T THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME AT ALL?

2007-12-12T00:03:00.000-08:00

As Bing Crosby once said, “it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas,” which is why we here at Pico have decided to review the musical miscarriage that was Band Aid. In 1984 the “supergroup” Band Aid was formed in an effort to alleviate hunger in Africa by pinching a lyrical loaf into the willing ears of college students the world over. The band, comprised of Paul McCartney, David Bowie, Sting, Bono, Phil Collins, George Michael, Boy George, Duran Duran, Paul Weller, Bananarama, Big Country and other clueless musicians, produced a little ditty known as “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” According to the map below, I submit that the answer to their question is “no;” they don’t know it’s Christmas time...at all.

Aside from largely being a Muslim and Tribal continent, I imagine that the reason they (the Africans) don’t know it’s Christmas time at all is because they don’t have irrigation sufficient to sustain the growth of crops that feed the people who create the businesses which spur the economy that allows the citizens to have enough expendable cash to purchase overproduced British records about Africans not knowing its Christmas time at all. Maybe if they had running water, governments that lasted longer than Hollywood pilots, no war lords, genocide, De Beers, AIDS or Ebola, then they could focus their efforts on roasting chestnuts on the open fire, decking the halls, and throwing back a few eggnog lattés at the company Christmas party. At the very least, the lyrics to this song prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Bono has always been a no talent ass-clown, and that Paul McCartney should have lived at the Dakota instead of John Lennon. Case in point (with commentary):

It's Christmas time
There's no need to be afraid
(Why one would be afraid of Christmas, I don’t know)
At Christmas time
We let in light and we banish shade
(“Light good and shade bad” says the pasty Englishman to the African)
And in our world of plenty
(Just to clarify, “our world” means “not Africa”)

We can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world
At Christmas time
But say a prayer
Pray for the other ones

At Christmas time it's hard
(I pulled a hammy carrying a load of presents to my car during my paid vacation.)
But when you're having fun
There's a world outside your window
(The window attached to your 10,000 square foot London flat.)
And it's a world of dread and fear
(Oooh, dread and fear; sounds ominous and trite.)

Where the only water flowing
Is the bitter sting of tears
(Get it? They don’t have flowing water, but their tears from crying about not having flowing water is ironically their only source of flowing water. In the actual song Sting sings this lyric. Notice how he worked the word “sting” into that lyric? Sting: eradicating hunger one cross-promotion at a time.)

And the Christmas bells that ring
There are the clanging chimes of doom
(See how they did that? Christmas bells are like clanging chimes of doom to Africans.)
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you
(You can say that again Bono. This marks the only time Bono and I have agreed on something.)

Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time
(Want some fruit cake? I got plenty. No really, its no bother. My aunt made an extra couple loaves with nuts and I'm allergic. What? You don't like fruit cake? I thought you were starving. You're starving, not desperate? Forget it, I hope Santa shits in your stocking this year!)
Feed the world
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
(Probably not.)

And there won't be snow in Africa
This Christmas time
(There is no snow in Africa during Christmas? How are they supposed to know when it’s Christmas time?)
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
(That’s Bono again reminding you that life is a gift, much like an iPod shuffle.)
Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
(Have you tried irrigation?)
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
(Nope.)

Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time again

(Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone
(Ahhh, fresh clean water in my glass)
(Here's to them) underneath that burning sun
(It’s hot in Africa, especially without cold, clean water…cold, clean water like the water in Sting’s glass that he’s raising to the thirsty Africans.)
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
(Not a clue.)

Still don’t believe me that Band Aid was craptastic? Ask Morrissey.

“I'm not afraid to say that I think Band Aid was diabolical. Or to say that I think Bob Geldof is a nauseating character. Many people find that very unsettling, but I'll say it as loud as anyone wants me to. In the first instance the record itself was absolutely tuneless. One can have great concern for the people of Ethiopia, but it's another thing to inflict daily torture on the people of England. It was an awful record considering the mass of talent involved. And it wasn't done shyly it was the most self-righteous platform ever in the history of popular music.”

PICO FOOTBALL ROUNDUP

2007-12-11T12:46:00.000-08:00

-Joe Namath hitting on the female sideline "commentator" = priceless

-Frank Coyle of draftinsiders.com has done a faux draft. If the Dolphins really were to pick Dorsey (in my opinion the best Defensive Tackle) I'd feel sad for him. I understand this is how the draft works, but can't we just pretend the Dolphins aren't in the room. Maybe give them the wrong date and time, have them show up a week late. It could happen.

- Grossman is in limbo

- ESPN asks are the Seahawks being overlooked? Yes, the answer is yes.

TIS THE SEASON . . . . FOR WHISKEY!

2007-12-07T22:49:00.000-08:00

PHOTO BY: NEAL

Winter is upon us. We've had our first rain and it's a bit nipply outside. No time like the present for a little whiskey. So bust out those flasks my friends, after all as Mark Twain said:

"Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whiskey is barely enough."

Hot Toddy
You need: 1 cube sugar
2 ounces bourbon, rye, Scotch, Canadian, or blended whiskey
Slice lemon
Nutmeg
Do this with it: Put sugar in a mug or small tumbler and add enough water to dissolve. Add the whiskey, fill with boiling water and stir. Garnish with slice of lemon and grate a little nutmeg on top.
House & Garden Drink Guide | November 1973

BUY SOME WHISKEY:

-Bushmills 16 Year Old Irish Whiskey $63.99 at Bevmo

-Bushmills 10 Year Old Single Malt on sale for $34.99 at Bevmo

-Johnnie Walker Scotch Gold Label 18-Year $81.99 at Wallys (map)

GO DRINK SOME WHISKEY:

-Tom Bergins makes a mean Hot Toddy and a deadly Sidecar (map)

-The Woods has a respectable whiskey list (map)

- Seven Grand is a given (bring your own pool cue chalk)

-Try the Dudley Do-Right at Big Foot Lodge in Los Feliz, this drink is made with Canadian Club so it only half counts (map)

OH SHECKY'S WHERE DO I BEGIN . . .

2007-12-06T22:21:00.000-08:00

Shecky's Girls Night Out came to the Santa Monica Hangar (map) this week. Having been to the previous two events, I'd have to say this one was my least favorite. The venue was spot on, and a welcome change to last seasons cramped quarters. It's starting to feel like the same thing over and over again. However, in the spirit of shopping and free booze, I offer the Shecky's highlights:

Cool Vendors:

jodibwise - I bought an awesome shirt from her for N

DeLaLuna Designs - Virginia designs the most original handbags and pieces I've ever seen.

Jenni - They weren't selling anything but were giving away boxers

Page Hamilton Designs - Jane loved one of her bags

Goodie Bag Highlights:

Free Underwear!

Redken Products (not full size like the 1st Shecky's but better than the spring's Sunsilk offering)

Full size Aveeno sunscreen

Sample Arbonne body lotion (it smells nice)

I'll still go to the Spring event, but I'd like to see some denim dealers, more underwear, and less jewelry that looks exactly the same as the next booth. Also will someone please tell the Seasonique people that unless they give us something for free we aren't interested in hearing about new birth control (that is what magazine inserts are for).

PICO NEWS ROUNDUP

2007-12-01T20:34:00.000-08:00

- The BCS computer might explode tonight

- Who would steal a kid's donkey? That is messed up

- The LA blogosphere is abuzz with the news that LAist Editor, Tony Pierce is moving on to the LA Times. Now I actually have to read the LA Times. Dammit!

- "'Cause I ain't got no other partners in 8-1-8" - The story behind Toluca Lake. (LAist)

HIGHWAY 101 - A LOVE STORY

2007-11-28T12:20:00.000-08:00

PHOTO BY: MORGAN MAASSEN

One of the many awesome things about living in Los Angeles is when you decide to get out of Dodge there is a glorious stretch of road called the 101, and she's just waiting for you to take her for a spin. She will set you down in Santa Barbara with all the pretty people and laid back lives. Santa Barbara will feed you, let you stretch your legs and hand you a cup of coffee.

Then back into the arms of the 101 where her view of the sunset is rivaled by none. She will twist and turn as Nick Drake's Northern Sky plays and when darkness falls you'll be in San Luis Obispo.

PHOTO BY: MORGAN MAASSEN

Head to the Downtown Brewery where Blonde Ale flows like honey for the price of chicklets. The entertainment provided by the local college kids is priceless complete with more skin than one sees at a Mexican brothel.

PHOTO BY: PETER ELK

The next morning you can take the train back from San Luis Obispo as the Pacific lies down in front of you. My fellow Angelenos I implore you, take to the road.

GUIDE TO ENTERTAINING A NORTHERN IRISHMAN IN LA - VOL. II

2007-11-25T21:09:00.000-08:00

1. Take him to watch the slide shows of various Angelenos (with varying degrees of sanity). Hit up Scoops for ice cream goodness. Drink more Rum & Cokes than necessary.

2. Go to the Arclight for a screening of No Country for Old Men, then gather the troops for a trip to Tom Bergins where mayhem ensues. Finish the night with a stop at Yukon Mining Co., attempt to not fall asleep in the bathroom.

3. Sunday soccer day!! Start at Hollywood High for a dismal showing by the Urban Achievers, followed by a drive to LMU to watch University of Portland wipe the field with their ass.

4. Dine at Hamburger Mary's during some kind of ridiculous cocktail special where cosmos are practically free. Have the waiter check him out so he's quite sure he's in West Hollywood. Followed by a late night whiskey binge thereby solidifying your status of office rock star for once again making it to work on time.

5. Take him to Seven Grand so he can hustle poor defenseless Americans. After all it's only physics.

6. Make him walk Pico Blvd.

7. Attempt Griffith Observatory on the foggiest night possible. Grab dinner at M Cafe de Chaya and treat him to his first taste of Pinkberry.

8. As no trip is complete without a visit to Coach & Horses, grab Indian food next door and commence whiskey drinking. Toss a pillow in the bathroom as that is where he may want to catch a few winks.
9. Welcome an Englishman to the entourage and start with Tuesday Porn Star karaoke at Sardos!! Enough said.

10. Drive Mulholland while listening to Electrolite, complete with useless commentary about the history of Runyon Canyon and where Robbie Williams lives.

iPhone Tour of Pico Boulevard

2007-11-20T14:22:00.000-08:00

My iPhone got a free trip down the length of Pico Blvd. on Saturday. Since my legs were doing all the work, I thought it would only be fair to ask the phone to take a few pictures.

Here's some of the things we encountered along the way.

Lots of clothes in the fashion district:

Some mannequins who could use the aforementioned clothes:

These ladies need clothes AND heads:

These dudes are naked and need a tan! Hell, they're basically transparent:

I already knew this, but the iPhone was really impressed that our town has an area called the "Byzantine-Latino Quarter" and that they're so optimistic there:

I also showed my iPhone the amazing St. Sophia Cathedral, which we were fortunate enough to walk by during visiting hours:

Jesus was watching over us, most literally:

L.A. is a city of murals. Frida and her pet monkey said hello:

There was this awesome old jukebox shop:

It took us almost 6 miles before we saw our first Starbucks:

We all believed this to say a lot about demographics and city planning and stopped to reflect on the differences between East and West Los Angeles. Then we got frappuccinos.

Inspiring quotes to revive Pico:

Together we really CAN do it! (If by "do it" they mean "walk the entire length of Pico in one day." I don't think that's what they meant.)

For your reference, this is how a crane is supposed to look:

This is NOT how they're supposed to look:

Just before we stopped for delicious cupcakes, we were given this helpful list:

Thanks, shop on Pico! I WILL eat your food and save room for dessert! In fact, here's the before and after shots of said dessert.

Not everything was fun and games on Pico. This bird wasn't having the best day:

In fact, he might be having the worst day. (I apologize to my brother, who I'm sure is hurting for his feathered friend.)

We barely stopped to breathe during the last 3 miles, but in the end we were rewarded with a glowing Santa Monica:

I then jumped in a cab and let myself be driven home. My feet loved the cab driver, despite the fact that he was watching a Yanni DVD while driving. I then ate some Zankou Chicken, which was brilliant. I then took a shower, got dressed, put on makeup, and went out dancing with some friends (which involved a few gin and tonics), which was less than brilliant. Don't get me wrong—dancing was fun, but it's not the best plan after walking 15.6 miles. This is my sagely advice for the day: don't walk the entire length of Pico and then go out dancing. Take my words to heart, fair reader.

And that's the end of that chapter...

WE CAME. WE SAW. WE TOOK A CAB HOME.

2007-11-18T20:08:00.000-08:00

We did it. We walked 15.6 miles down the entire stretch of Pico Boulevard and we’re still standing. Sorta. Special thanks to Mike and the folks at Franklin Avenue for organizing such a fantastic tour of LA. The only map necessary pointed out the best hummus, burrito and cupcake joints along the way. We started just past 9am with about 50 fellow adventurers. We walked a few blocks. We stopped for breakfast burritos, Korean-style. We fell behind. We wandered a half-block south of Pico, and found God, Greek-style. We caught up. We stopped for lunch. We fell behind. We caught up. We stopped for cupcakes. We fell behind. We caught up. We kept going. We reached the ocean just past sunset. As Graham points out, we won. We immediately caught a cab home to rest our aching joints.

Other highlights from the great Pico journey include:
-a giant crane crash
-a giant screw
-Frida and her monkey
-a Wurlitzer store
-did we mention cupcakes?

Fellow Pico contributors K and Laura were there, too. Hopefully, they’ll post about their experiences very soon. As the lovely Amanda is pointing out above, there are lots of things to do on Pico--by no means have we captured them all.

GREAT LA WALK 2 - PICO BLVD.

2007-11-13T09:33:00.000-08:00

This Saturday the fine folks behind Franklin Avenue have organized the 2nd Annual Great Los Angeles Walk. And . . . . . they are walking Pico Blvd.! It starts at 9:00am on the corner of Pico and S. Central Ave. For obvious reasons the PicoandTheMan crew will be in attendance.

For all the details go here - www.greatlawalk.com

Or here - Franklin Avenue

For tshirts featuring the awesome logo above (designed by Maria) go here (available after the hike)

L.A. Traffic

2007-11-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post to end the work day:

That's L.A. traffic on a Thursday at 7 p.m. By the way, red=bad.

Happy travels!

iPhone tour of Echo Park

2007-11-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

Hello fans of Pico. K and N graciously invited me to contribute to their lovely blog, so here I am, trying to come up with something clever and witty to say...

I'm not doing so well. I prefer not to be awake this early, so my brain isn't quite functioning properly. I do much better between the hours of 10pm and 2am. Not to mention, I was at the WeHo Halloween carnival last night until about 1:30, so the exhaustion is acute. Quadruple-shot espresso acute.

Having attended the largest Halloween celebration in the world last night, I thought my first Pico blog post would be about all the fabulous costumes I encountered on Santa Monica Boulevard. Sadly, the photos demonstrating said costumes are locked away on my camera still, so instead I offer up an iPhone tour of Echo Park.

This is an iPhone tour of the park because I wasn't intending on taking a bunch of pictures. I was just walking around the lake for exercise, but the day was so beautiful that I just couldn't let it go unrecorded. The only camera at my disposal was the little one on the back of my new love, my soulmate, my iPhone.

So here are some sights from my corner of Los Angeles:

That's the Lady of the Lake. It's a WPA-commissioned piece of art by Ada Mae Sharpless, 1934.

I know they're not native to Southern California, but I'll be damned if looking at a row of palm trees doesn't make your brain scream "I'm in Los Angeles!"

Downtown behind Echo Park. During the summer, the foreground of this picture would be filled with lotus flowers.

More of the lake. I just think it's pretty, okay? And finally:

Birdies. They were sleepy and enjoying the sun. And thus concludes my impromptu tour of Echo Park.

MORE INSTANT MESSAGE FUN WITH MOM

2007-10-27T15:37:00.000-07:00

In the second installment of what is sure to be an ongoing series . . . .

Mom: How do I change the date on my laptop?

-K: What operating system are you running?

Mom: Outlook express

-K: No mom that's an email program

Mom: Oh, Internet Explorer?

-K: Um no. O.k. when you turned it on did it say Vista anywhere?

Mom: Windows media player? Oh wait not that's not it.

-K: Um, I don't know that I can help you here . . . . .

For the first installment click here

THIS WEEKEND IN DEAD PEOPLE

2007-10-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

Ahhh I love this time year. Everyone's gearing up, candy is on sale, and I can almost smell the pan dulce I'm going to consume tomorrow.

-In case you still need a pumpkin Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch in West Hollywood (map)

-In case you hate crowds, Smart and Final has some cheap, big ones

-Check out Metroblogging LA's Guide to the Greatest Dead Angelenos. Yeah #15!

- Doggy Costume Contest this Sunday at 1pm in West Hollywood. (map)

OUR WEATHER IS LIKE A NICE GOUDA

2007-10-25T23:39:00.000-07:00

No question that it's been an intense few days here, and we have yet to emerge from the smoke that seems to be EVERYWHERE. The heat is on, and the N household has been on high-alert with family on the brink of disaster in just about every southern California county--our San Diego brethren did evacuate, but are now safe and back at home, we're happy to report. Anyway, we couldn't resist sharing this light-hearted take on the situation from our dear friend Laura Birek.

Props to all the LA bloggers staying on top of the situation. We especially like Franklin Avenue's "Covering the Coverage."

Stay well, y'all.

Yeah Dia De Los Muertos !

2007-10-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

PHOTO BY GARY AYALA

This is one of my favorite LA events. If you don't know what the Day of The Dead celebration is then you might be living under a rock (look into that). This event never disappoints, has awesome altar decorations and rockin Mexican fare. The following are some tips for enjoying the the day:

1) Parking is a bitch, this is actually the worst parking event I've ever been to, so go early and be prepared to walk a bit.

2) The altars are pretty cool in the daylight but even better in the dark

3) The food lines can get long so eat first, then walk around

4) Buy Mexican bread. I don't know what it's called but it's really, really, really good

5) Check out the vendor section for our favorite designer, De La Luna Designs, I think she's doing event inspired pieces.

www.ladyofthedead.com

Saturday, October 27, 2007
Hollywood Forever Cemetery (map)
4:00 p.m. - 11:00 p.m.

POSTCARDS FROM THE FAR EAST--Part One: Vaginoplasty

2007-10-21T21:29:00.000-07:00

For reasons of familiar and historical obligation, we here at Pico sometimes find ourselves in the outer reaches of the universe that is LA County, in the part of the world known as the IE (for Inland Empire) or 909 (for the dominating area code for most of the area). Parts of the 626 and 714 also apply, though they are loath to admit it. The part we tend to frequent is not as completely void of culture and civilization as rumor might have you believe, but there is a rather large quota of monster trucks and Jesus-fish stickers. There's also mountain vistas and plenty of free parking. Some things, however, do tend to remind us that we, indeed, are not in Kansas anymore. Or, rather, we are in Kansas, just in a strange David Lynch version of it. Anyway, we hereby introduce the first of what we promise to be an ongoing series of missives from the far eastern provinces of LA County, called Postcards From the Far East:

First Postcard: Vaginoplasty. Also known as "Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation." Yes, you heard it here first. While we realize this is not limited to the 909, and that in fact, this practice probably began (as indicated on the billboard) in parts much farther west, such as, say, Beverly Hills, or Malibu, those places aren't exactly putting up billboards for it. The sad part is, that in the IE, keeping up with the Joneses usually means keeping up with the folks in BH and all the things they were doing 2 years ago. But while it may be de riguer in Beverly Hills to have your vag rejuvenated back to adolescent splendor, no one in the IE finds out until it's advertised for miles.

Please excuse the low-res of version of our cell phone photo, but on-the-fly journalists that we are, we are limited by the equipment at hand. Here's a much more scenic version:

Here's a fun 909 factoid for all the geography-buffs in the room: that"s Mt Baldy (or Mt. San Antonio) directly behind the middle telephone pole. It's the lowest peak in the photo, but it's actually one of the highest peaks in the western US at 10,064 feet. Special prize for the first person to identify what parking lot of ill-repute we had to pull into to get this shot.

IF YOU COULD READ MY MIND...

2007-10-18T18:24:00.000-07:00

We've all known for years that our manicurists secretly talk about us behind our backs, and that whenever they giggle, or shout, or speak swiftly in varying tones, they are most likely referring to the stench of our feet, the horrifying, hairy length of our toes, the fat on our ass, or the general consensus that we never tip enough. Every person who's ever stepped foot into a nail salon knows it. So I wasn't surprised to finally see it in writing on a recent Saturday visit for my bi-weekly pedi. I just didn't think it would come from my favorite nail-lady, Wong, over at Co-Star Nails in West Hollywood (the one on Santa Monica, across from Whole Foods).

The truth hurts. But it won't keep me away from Co-Star for long: they do offer the cheapest, fastest, cleanest pedicure you'll find in this town. A little honesty could do us all some good.

********UPDATE 10/19***********
Fellow Angel-Eno LosAnjealous.com picked the above photo to headline the weekly From Blake's Phone list of craptastic cell phone photos. Go Pico!

LAST CHANCE FOR DEEP-FRIED OREOS

2007-09-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

Summer. Seinfeld. Superman 3. Sooner or later all good (and bad) things must end. This is your warning: The L.A. County Fair's days are numbered. Earth, Wind and Fire performs the final swan song concert on Sunday and poof! it's gone, faster than you can say Lindsey Lohan's nasal septum.

Why sit through traffic on the 10 freeway, pay $10 for parking and wade through the crowds, you ask? Because it only happens once a year, and braving the masses of middle America right in our own backyard gives you not only props, but instant permission to partake in one of the greatest pleasures known to humanity: Deep-Fried Oreos. Go ahead. You also have permission to eat the deep-friend snickers. Frog legs, too if you like. Do it. You know you want to. Afterwards, wash that palate clean with some Dr. Bob's Porter ice cream and a glass of god-knows-why-it-got-a-gold-medal chardonnay, and you'll be cleansed of the dog days of summer, ready for a new year, a new you, a new pair of pants. It's worth it, I promise.

Anyway, thanks to Sparkletts, traffic and insanely long lines, I have three free tickets to give away to a loyal Pico reader. Let us know you're out there. First person to comment with their favorite deep-fried edible or Earth, Wind and Fire song, or--dammit, just drop us a line-- gets the tickets (a $45 value!).

Note to anyone who does not win the free fair tickets (seriously, baby animals! so much fun!)--buy your tickets online. It'll save you a lot of time (and Sparkletts).

FLYING THE FRIENDLY SKIES

2007-09-26T23:23:00.001-07:00

N here. While K has been off in a football-induced stupor, I've been traveling. It's all work-related and not so droll, but I couldn't resist this special postcard from the road. Well, the runway. At the Sonoma County airport (STS), security is a major concern. I counted no less than seven TSA agents in the one-room security trailer. Yep, I said trailer. Also noted the two gigantic American flags (I'm all for flags, but right next to each other?), and at least six of the above signs posted throughout. There's only one commercial carrier (flying turbo-props, no less), and only four flights per day, but the ganja seems to be a major problem in these parts. Oh, and the airport bar has free wifi and serves Stella Artois on tap. All reasons to make STS my new favorite port o call. If The Ramp were actually inside the Burbank airport, I might have to reconsider. Suffice to say that for now, Santa Rosa rocks.

NFL. SWEET RETURN

2007-09-07T07:35:00.000-07:00

It's football season and there is a spring in my step, the birds are singing a little louder and all is right with the world. The DirecTV man is coming on Saturday to hook me up with the NFL Sunday Ticket package and I think I might love him (whoever he is). My mission this season is to find the best bar in LA to watch the NFL.

My pick'em league is short two players and in searching the contacts section of my mobile for potential recruits I know realize most of my male friends are skirts in disguise. I'm attempting to recruit Baloogle, because everyone needs a little Baloogle now and then. So here's hoping my boys have a great season and I find the perfect bar. It's a tall order.

PHOTO BY AP

WELCOME HOME KIDS

2007-08-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

In honor of my roomies return from the Holy Land, I bring you another fab video from the 80's. I ask you what is better than Baryshnikov and Gregory Hines set to this Lionel Richie masterpiece featuring clips from White Nights? Nothing, nothing is better (at least not today anyway). There is even an awesome rainbow light show somewhere in the middle there.

I would also like to take a moment to officially notify my friends that they are no longer allowed to leave the country for extended periods of time. As when left to my own devices I find myself wandering around aimlessly laughing as I remember that time you said that funny thing. If it weren't for Mr. & Mrs. N I wouldn't have eaten a square meal the whole time.

So, welcome home kids! You guys are the Gregory Hines and Isabella Rossilini to my Baryshnikov!

KING OF KONG- FIST FULL OF AWESOME CHARACTERS!

2007-08-28T16:27:00.000-07:00

A documentary about video games? Okay... I did like the Wizard with Fred Savage so how bad could it be? I went to see King of Kong: A Fist Full of Quarters last Friday night at the new The Landmark at Westside Pavilion- reserved seating, so awesome!

We saw a 10:20 showing and within the first 5 minutes I thought for sure this was a snoozer. But soon, I was hooked!! - two men competing for the world record in Donkey Kong. Who knew the gaming industry was so vicious! The characters, or I guess I should say people, are really intriguing- mullets and all! It was an hour and 40 min long lesson on Donkey Kong and the Rocky music made it feel like a modern day Rudy- audiences are a sucker for the underdogs. I would definitely recommend it. 4 stars

Side note on the Landmark ... they have "yogurt berry" at the concession stand. (map)

BOMBAY GRILL WHERE ARE YOU?

2007-08-27T22:12:00.000-07:00

I call your number, no answer. I drive by, night after night, and the lights are out in your kitchen. I'm a jilted lover on a chicken tikka masala stalking spree and nothing compares to you.

Mr. N is ready to kill someone for some good Vindalu, and he's so devoted to your magical dishes, he refuses to step foot in any of the other thousands of choices for Indian fare in our neighborhood. But seriously, this has gone on too long. At least install an answering machine so we know when you'll return to our sweet loving arms and where we can leave you obsessive messages of curry desire in the meantime.

PS: We are happy for you that you're finally able to visit friends and family in India, but 3 weeks is a long time and we have no idea when you're coming back. Hope you're having fun. Send us a postcard. (map)

FORGET GPS, CALL BALOOGLE

2007-08-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

So, we've discovered that N's brother, once known to the world as Baloney, has an uncanny ability--and has since a small child--to memorize streetscapes in his head and permanently etch them into his neurological pathways. Kinda like Rainman, except he doesn't particularly care for underwear. He's better than Mapquest, OnStar, and that asshole Tom Tom. He has since been renamed Baloogle by his lovely girlfriend who is somehow able to see past the chonies thing and embrace his more redeeming qualities. Like being a veritable Thomas Guide-Idiot Savant.

Last week, K was in the middle of Koreatown and had to get to Phillipe's, but kept getting turned around. She called Baloogle, and he was able to determine K's exact location in .3 seconds, and give her detailed, easy directions in an instant. Granted, this may seem like no big deal given the close proximity of these locations, but we've utilized his powers in places as far and wide as the Inland Empire, the Westside, Eastside, Pasadena, Southbay and the never-ending story that is the San Fernando Valley. Before we nominate him to the Justice League, we need to test out his powers, and we've enlisted you, loyal Pico readers, to help.

So far, we think his powers are limited to places he's been, even if only once, so if you live in Memphis, this may not work, but all of SoCal, including San Diego, is fair game.

Get lost, and give him a call: 909-702-6216. Report back here with your findings.

Thanks,

The Pico Team

PICO'S ADOPTABLE DOG OF THE WEEK-BRONWEN

2007-08-24T12:15:00.000-07:00

This little one has the cutest ears I've ever seen. She'd be like your own personal short wave radio. She's a dachshund/basset hound mix, weighs about 25lb and is 6 months old. Bronwen needs a home with another dog so she can start her plan of world domination by superpowered ears. She was rescued by the Bill Foundation.

LA TRANSIT TAKES IT UP THE A . . . . AGAIN

2007-08-23T18:40:00.000-07:00

The Los Angeles Times reports today that our fab lawmakers have taken $1.3 billion from mass transit funds to balance the budget. Super! These guys are great aren't they.

"The cuts could imperil a variety of transit projects, most notably the Exposition Line light rail from downtown L.A. to the Westside, extending the Orange Line busway from Warner Center to Chatsworth, and building the Gold Line from Pasadena to San Bernardino County, said Roger Snoble, chief executive of the Metropolitan Transportation Authority."

I'm aware that $1.3 bil isn't much in the grand scheme of our traffic problem, but losing it sure doesn't inspire faith in the powers that be.

UPCOMING MOVIES

2007-08-22T00:05:00.000-07:00

August 25 - Vanishing Point (New Beverly) -Quentin says we should see this one

Sept 7 - 2001: A Space Odyssey (Nuart Cine Insomnia) -Am I the only one that doesn't like this movie?

Sept 19 - Citizen Kane (Arclight) -Apparently this was a box office flop and was re-released in the mid 1950s

Sept 21 - A Breakfast Club (Nuart Cine Insomnia) -"You think about this: when you get old, these kids - when "I" get old - they're going to be running the country"

GUIDE TO ENTERTAINING A NORTHERN IRISHMAN IN LA

2007-08-19T15:13:00.000-07:00

Friday
1. Put him to work by having him coach your soccer team. Two days later while trying to prepare them for their game you will inevitably have to field questions about where exactly Ireland is and how exactly do you know him.

2. Take him to Indian food as he is a vegetarian (I know it's an anomaly), then take him next door to the Coach & Horses. Have Mr. & Mrs. N meet you because there is no point in going to the C&H without them.

3. Make him drive you home when you're smashed, with promises of Sumo Wrestling the next day.

Saturday
1. Wake up at 9:30am ready to see fat guys wrestle each other. By 11:00am realize that N is never gonna get up on time, and take him to El Chollo in downtown (Mexicans are friends of the vegetarian, when they get your order right).

2. Drive him around downtown saying things that make you sound like a pompous ass such as, "the downtown area is going through a revitalization right now, it's very exciting, that building over there is being turned into Lofts!"

3. Take him on a Charles Bukowski bus tour of LA.

4. Go to Pete's for dinner.

5. Attempt to get from Pete's to Scoops and get lost, all the while singing Blaze of Glory at embarrassing volumes.

6. Frolic Room, then decide to seek out karaoke. Pile 6 adults into a compact car that seats 5 (thanks again Jen!).

7. Hit up some bar called Blue something or other and the Brass Monkey and strike out on the karaoke front. (Sorry Andrew)

9. Finally, arrive at Jumbo's Clown Room, apologize profusely and make him swear to never tell your mutual friend that you took him there. (map)

Sunday
1. As he is now fully indoctrinated into the group he is required to attend Sunday dinner at Mr. & Mrs. N's.

2. Invite N's brother to throw a few insults in for good measure. Talk about horribly offensive stuff so he has the worst possible idea of Americans ever.

3. Pimp him out to take awesome photographs of your dog, like this one:

-K's dog

and this one:

N's dog

4. Watch Family Guy

5. Send him on his way confident in the knowledge that you have a new friend and you out drank an Irishman (granted it wasn't his best day and he was driving, but it still counts)

CELEBRITIES = BAD NEWS

2007-08-17T00:27:00.000-07:00

We here at Pico, as stated in our mission statement and charter, strive to bring you only random crap, and not celebrity-soaked blather, as we feel that a) there are lots of other blogs that do so with more aplomb and dedication than we care to apply (and which we read daily) and b) celebrities are generally, well, dumb, and not worth any more attention than the world already gives them for saying such horrible lines as "this is where it all began for me; this is where it ends." Seriously, Matt Damon, what happened to the artistic vision and genius we saw in Good Will Hunting? Has it all really come to this? Sadness all around about such a disappointing final piece to what was otherwise a rather fun and refreshing triptych, but we'll save the review of "The Bourne Ultimatum" for someone else's blog, one focused not on random crap, but well, atrocious movies and other ways to waste millions of dollars. We really did have high hopes.

Anyway, on to our point about how celebrities are not the sparkly, stardust-laden beings worthy of our worship and harrassment, but, rather, HARBINGERS OF DOOM. Case in point: Last night we went to the Arclight, one of the last bastions of the belief that an outing to the movies deserves as much respect as does an outing to say, church--really where else can we all laugh and cry (and as in the above case, gasp in angered disbelief that this thing ever got made into celluloid) without having to bear the idiocy of laser pointers and cell phones and what have you brought along by the heathen masses. Upon arriving, we learned that the Arclight restaurant, where we'd planned to fill up for the journey of un-suspended disbelief ahead, is closed due to a private event, a.k.a. special party for the special screening of something special for special people. We head to the bar upstairs in search of nourishment. We can't find a waitress, waiter, you name it, anywhere it sight, but we do see Tony Hawk and Vince Vaughn, each with their own entourage. We should have seen the bad moon rising. Behind them were the missing waitstaff, standing against the wall, watching each celebs' every move. We order a beer at the bar and head to an empty table on the patio, knowing full well that now that celebs are on the premises, it's a self-serve situation. Whatever. We go to the movie. It sucked. We leave the movie, and head across the street to The Hungry Cat for oysters and maybe a pug burger or two to cheer us up.Those hopes are quickly dashed as well. Adrian Grenier is in the restaurant, and we're seated on a side patio. After 15 minutes, we're told we can order just drinks for now and food later. Another 15 minutes go by, drinks come. Adrian and friends are having a blast. Everyone around them is eating. 15 more minutes go by. Our waiter is gone. So is our love for Hungry Cat, which we've recommended to more people than Adrian ever will. Which brings us to our point, 45 minutes later: while the presence of a celebrity in your favorite restaurant or bar may bode well for the chef with stars in his eyes (which, let's face it, these days they all do), it means very bad things for the common man, foodie, barfly, chowhound and joe schmo left to languish in the wake of servers who leap to an A-lister's every beck and call. Or simply stand against the wall and stare. Either way, we're fucked.